• Unfortunately, dealing with narcissists is all too common of a problem in divorce. Thanks for the helpful article Miles!

    December 05, 2012
  • Thank you for this article, it has helped me have a better understanding on dealing with a narcissist during a divorce. My ex-husband had the affairs and was the one that left but will stop at nothing to destroy me and I don’t understand why? He has lied in court, to psychologists, mediators, everyone. he is charming, educated and good looking so people esp women tend to believe him, although there are some who have seen right trough him. I have tried to cut off communication with him as the article suggests except via email but he has the co-parenting psychologist convinced that it is in our children’s best interest if we talk. My experience is that he would call when he did not want record of something. There is so many horrible things he has done I could write a book! I have been through and am still going through a living nightmare with this man and your article was so right on that I just had to write.

    December 29, 2013
    • Alisha,
      I am going through the same thing, it is a living nightmare. Hang in there, it has to get better!

      January 03, 2014
      • A

        You hang in there too! I keep waiting for it to get better. He is remarried to one of the women he was seeing when we were married so now he has an accomplice. It’s like they want blood! She got what she wanted (she can have him and good luck with that) so I don’t see why they can’t just leave me alone and do what is best for our children. He does anything he can to try to hurt me even using the kids. He knows how to manipulate and is a pathological liar to where I look like I am the emotionally unstable one and he is calm cool and collected! I have been reading about narcissistic personality disorder and sociopaths. I know that not only does he like to constantly toy with me but has done numerous things to try and get our children because of the amount of support he has to pay me but also to try and hurt me. I am back in school working on my bachelors degree but he even try’s to sabotage that! I a good mom and don’t do anything wrong so he has not been able to accomplish things he has tried. It just amazes me how he has no problem lying in court and to everyone! You would think someone you spent almost half your life with, had children with, built a life with, and was a good wife and mother could be so mean and cruel! I have lost almost half of the month with my children, lost my home, credit, stability and am in major debt still paying attorney fees. I never thought my life would be life this, but I do feel like it has been a blessing (although I have different issues to deal with) to no longer have to be in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist!

        January 09, 2014
    • Alisha,
      I am also involved in a nasty divorce and understand exactly where you’re coming from. In fact, our stories are identical. Hang in there! Perhaps we can start a FB support page for other women in the same position. You can never have enough support. Good luck!

      March 18, 2014
    • Jacqueline

      Ugh!! Going through a divorce with a narcissist is overwhelming and emotionally distressing. We haven’t gotten thru much of the divorce..ie husband not providing docs etc…and is dating my ex friend who is completely unstable and has a personality disorder!! I have two restraining orders against my ex friend and he is still dating her..Aka now his girlfriend! I’m living a nightmare!!! Crazy!! God help me!

      September 02, 2015
      • Shari

        Your best revenge to a narcissist – both him AND your ex-girlfriend – is to not care about what they are doing. I know that sounds like a hard thing to do, and a hard place to get to. They have both done terrible things to you, but as long as you have any time of feeling for either of them – even if it’s hatred – they will be holding space in your head. And I want to tell you how I learned to not let them hurt me anymore – please take my advice for what it’s worth.

        You need to let go of your feelings for them any way that you can. Those feelings are grabbing a place in your head and making your heart feel bad. Right? Your heart HURTS! Having those feelings are holding you hostage, and that’s exactly how a narcissist wants you to feel – crazy, anxious, horrible.

        So you need to immediately get yourself into a Yoga class that will teach you how to relieve stress. You need to get into a class that will teach you how to meditate. Go order Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now. This will teach you how to leave the past in the past and to only concentrate on THIS moment, how to take control of it. So that when your husband and his floozy girlfriend are standing in front of you, attempting to mock you and make you feel bad, you will be able to smile at them so calmly that YOU WILL BE THE ONE WHO IS IN CONTROL! (If I can do it – I used to be a nervous wreck – ANYONE can do it!)

        Guess what? I used to be just like you. But I did those things and I learned all of those methods. I now speak calmly when I’m confronted by those narcissists in my life, and it throws them completely off guard. In fact, when I’m being yelled at I can smile and speak so calmly that I amaze people!

        They hate it because they can no longer control me, and I’m so calm and I no longer feel one bit of terror. In fact, when they try to bully me I’m so quick now will a reply that puts them right in their places and shows them that they just don’t affect me any longer! (And they end up looking SO BAD to anyone who is listening – because they’re the ones freaking out and I’m the calm one!)

        I went thru the divorce with the narcissist, but I didn’t have this control at the time, and I wish I had learned then what I know NOW! I can handle him and his family with ease now.

        Please learn these techniques NOW so that you can handle your divorce with ease. It’s actually very easy to learn – you won’t believe how quick you’ll catch on!

        Good luck! I know you can do it!

        September 08, 2015
  • I read posts so often on this, seeking understanding and validation for something that has been so devestating, and now, very humbling for me. I’m going through such an eerily similar situation. i met him 10 yrs. ago, at which time I was going through a difficult time in my career. He’d just come out of a divorce. As we became more involved, he had me convinced of his ex-wifes culpability with every step she took (which I later learned was actually to free herself and her children from his emotional abuse.) Well it didn’t take long for the roller coaster behavior to begin with us as well. He had been a pretty heavy drinker for years, and after a couple of tumultuous years we split up. He continued to harass me for months for money I said I owed him, or things of his he said I took, blah, blah. All claims which were twisted, exaggerated, or complete lies. It finally stopped when he found another victim. Well this relationship apparently was short-lived as well, and after being arrested for stealing vodka from a local liquor store one evening while his children were home asleep (and after being awarded partial custody!), he ended up with a month in jail. Upon getting out, he re-engaged with his AA program (after several other failed attempts in the past), and this time continued to attend regular meetings. After several years of sobriety, he recontacted me, convinced me he’d changed and to take him back. He moved into my house. Well, I still don’t know what I was thinking, but shortly after this we got married (He’d lost his job of 13 years and his parents were throwing him out of the house they bought him upon his divorce for not honoring the monthly payments he’d agreed to). He had me convinced they’d been unreasonable in their “expectations” given HIS situation, job loss, etc. . While originally the behaviors I’d only attributed to his drinking had seemed to decrease, it took little time to realize they were still there under the surface, and eventually reemerged. He became increasingly judgmental, patronizing, manipulative, and emotionally controlling. He trashed my computer with porn, reached out on personal sites, petty retail theft, borrowed money from people, would do “good deeds” for others- in order to expect something in return (usually something he already had in mind), then becoming really angry and resentful if not given to him. I have a demanding professional job, (in counseling nonetheless!) and it was becoming increasingly harder to keep myself focused at work. I realized what indeed I had married. After three years, reoccurring and escalating emotional abuse, I told him I could no longer go on with this. I had become increasingly depressed, and financially depleted. Then during a disagreement one morning just two months ago, he became physically violent, grabbing me by the throat, took my ATM card, and jumped in his truck and left to go somewhere. I too then left- my own house, went directly to my son’s where I have remained since. He’s staying elsewhere himself now, but has refused to move his things until we have an “agreement”. We have no children together, nor any joint property during this short time (He was out of work several times during this 3 yr. period as well, we fell behind financially, never getting caught up. We couldn’t have purchased anything together if we’d wanted to!). My credit is ruined. Regardless of my academic understanding of this disorder, the insidious nature of emotional manipulation had too easily invaded my soul. Well I’ve learned a whole lot more about myself since this time, and clearly see areas I need to work on in my own healing now, which is a good thing. As I work In the field, I am always challenging myself to grow. But I guess I just didn’t see the degree to which my own “stuff” allowed me to ignore the obvious- despite repeated evidence. I see a counselor myself, and have been receiving excellent support and encouragement. I don’t know what he wants from me now, I have nothing. He said he thinks paying into our expenses for three years “should be worth something”. I’m emotionally and financially depleted, and from being assaulted have experienced some trauma symptoms. Every time I see an email from him my stomach jumps. I’m letting my attorney handle it from here. I want nothing from this man- only that he, his violence, and his belongings be out of my home and life for good. .

    April 19, 2014
  • Thank you for the article. It is amazing how all the books, article, blogs, and experts say the SAME thing about people with this personality disorder. Are we all living the same life? I’m glad to find camaraderie, but unfortunately it is for something that is at a very high price..our lives, children, and our sanity.

    Is there a private FB support group? I would love to join one.

    Also, does anyone have tips on dealing with the family members of narcissist?

    I have never talked about any issues with any of them. My ex and all his family live out of state. We have a 14 month old child together. I only met the family 2-3 times during our short relationship/marriage (met, married in 5 months, never lived together, birth of child, filed for divorce 1 month after his birth, and custody/divorce 12 months after filing). I want them to have a good relationship with my child, but I fear that my ex has caused damage that I won’t ever be able to repair. I want to send them pictures and updates on my little one, but I don’t ever want anyone to feel “in the middle or to feel like they are “on my side vs. his”. There are also cultural issues, that I do not fully understand. They all have only been nice and kind to me, except my ex. The custody battle is over now and I have sole custody. We had just two things (Skype visitation and judgement for birth expenses) to resolve. He continues to want to fight and “win at all cost” and I fear we will have to go back to court soon. I have scoured the internet on this to learn more and find strategies while my little one is still young. I want us both to be resilient and learn how to survive and thrive in a very difficult situation. Thank you for any insight, help, or advice.

    April 26, 2014
    • Please check out “One Mom’s Battle”. She has a website, two books and several facebook pages. It has been an excellent source for me as I go through this battle. Best wishes to you

      June 30, 2014
  • I too am currently living a nightmare whilst divorcing a narcissist. I was with him for 16 years and feel like it was all a lie and that I never knew that person and it’s funny how I always had a strange feeling that none if it was real or right.
    He has tried to convince everyone that I left because I didn’t love him anymore and that it was all my fault blaming me for every kind of action he took and the scary thing he is totally convinced that he is right and I am the evil one. The hate campaign is just unbelievable and I know now that he was straight into another relationship 2 weeks after I left putting that before his children and his responsibilities.
    I have stopped access with the children due to the upset he was causing them when they spent time with him and my oldest daughter actually asked me to make the decision so that she could have peace. To see her now is a treat as she is much happier and we have set up a new home which the children call our happy house.
    He is being very difficult throughout the divorce and I am moving nowhere fast, everything he tells his solicitor is a lie and I now have a court battle over custody of the kids which is making me very stressed and ill. He has told the court that I physically abused him and that the children were witness to the abuse he took. Obviously he cannot prove this and uses every opportunity to have a laugh about me. He constantly posts thing on Facebook which are directed at me but is very clever at saying they about other things in his life so it is hard for me to prove again.

    I am living this nightmare now and just hope that one day my children and me can be happy and settled without him there in the background. Just hoping that his new girlfriend and children can take him on and away from us ASAP. Saying that I feel guilty letting her have him without knowing what he is truly like but that’s not my problem and I just wish her good luck.

    If the court rules that he can have overnight access I don’t know what I will do as I don’t trust him with the children and to be honest I don’t think they can take any more.

    Sending positive wishes to everyone who has had to ensure such a nightmare. It must get better.

    Emma B

    June 04, 2014
  • O!!!!! M!!!!!!!! G!!!!!!!!!

    June 29, 2014
  • T

    I am married to someone I suspect has NPD. We have 3 children 7,8 and 10.
    The years of put-downs and arguments have worn away my love for him and I feel it will never return. We have not been intimate for over 5 yrs. I sleep on the couch. We had another pointless argument tonight like the others every 6 mths or so, that go in circles where he asks me unanswerable questions like “Why do you treat me so badly? Huh? huh? Answer me!”, “Why do you think you’re so much better than me? Huh, tell me?” and calls me “Loser”, “Stupid”, “B…..” and he refused to listen to a word I try to say and my begging to please just stop going on and on, and let’s talk about it when we are not so upset, and all while our sweet innocent children crying in their beds asking us to stop fighting! So again I plan another booking with our counsellor, but wonder if it should be a mediator to start a divorce. My heart breaks for the damage this is doing to them – what they think is normal behaviour, how to speak to someone, how to resolve differences, how to treat your wife/husband…. I couldn’t bare to not see them half the time and I know he feels the same way but for them to hear this sort of fighting and disrespect, and see the lack of affection, it has to be worse doesn’t it? Or is it? I know they will be heartbroken if we split up. And if they are alone with him for half the time I can’t protect them from his controlling rages. I worry about his anger at me and how he takes it out on them. Every time I hear of a father that kills his kids in a custody battle to get back at his wife, I wonder if he has NPD. It is a risk I am too scared to take. But am I damaged my children by staying. Should I take the risk. He can be a wonderful father, especially when proving how much better he is than me, but he can also be a controlling angry father and if we split up, will it really make it better or will he stay the same but not have me to vent on and vent on the kids instead? He has told me he will not let me have “his kids”. I know a civilised divorce is very unlikely. he has told me I am a verbally abusive mother and eluded to the fact he will make sure I do not get primary custody. I ask you all, is it worth it? Do the children suffer more going through an ugly divorce, than living in a home with co-habiting parents who have ugly fights every 6mths or so?

    July 05, 2014
    • Unfortunately, the issues you raise are judgment calls only you can make. All experienced family lawyers have seen what you fear most. But, the anticipated carnage must be weighed against the problems not divorcing. In these situations, I always recommend speaking with your pastor, priest or rabbi, hiring a mental health professional for counseling, seeking help from friends and family members you trust and hiring an experienced family lawyer. Talk through your issues in detail with everyone. Listen. If everyone is advising you to do the same thing, you may have found your answer.

      July 06, 2014
    • Mom of 4 boys

      I have been through the very same nightmare and I only wish I could have gotten him to leave a long time ago because he has sacrificed our children in his efforts to prove how much nicer he was than me, and I could do nothing to stop it. He constantly takes them out or indulges them with high calorie meals and endless fatty sweet snacks. Our youngest 2 boys are now super-morbidly obese. He buys them expensive electronics with no limits and parental controls while they were making Ds and Fs in high school/middle school. Since he left I took away all the devices, including a Kindle Fire, ipad, ipod, laptop, and iphone!! All for just 2 boys. Boy was my x mad! But the boys got through it and they love me even though I am the ‘bad guy’ and they just brought home report cards with As, Bs, and Cs!
      What l I know now is that I was so confused when I was being blamed for being the sole problem in our relationship for all these years (yet he would not leave), because he designed it all that way. My gut feeling was that there was something not authentic and manipulative about him, but because he was so charming and everyone just loved him, I told myself I was wrong, for twenty seven years. Now I know as clearly as I have ever known anything, that I was right. Pelple like that will destroy everything and everyone to win and to be right. I pray I still have time to save our boys.
      God bless you and yours, stay strong, and trust yourself.

      November 06, 2014
    • This is my life to a T! I elected to stay to protect my children until I felt they were at an age that they could speak up for themselves. They are now 15 1/2 and 17. But I will tell you that the divorce was ugly, but his dragging me back into court over stupid stuff (I’m not ‘nice’ to him when I text) has been brutal. I’ve paid thousands because I’m not nice to him! Can you even imagine???? Everything is a game to him. Everything!!! The pathological lying is horrendous. He’s remarried now but can’t move on with his life. He still feels the need to make me pay for leaving him. It’s awful. What will happen is that you will wind up in court for years, so you have to decide when you want that process to start. Myself, the peace I have on most days is preferable to the hell I have to go through on court days. At least…AT LEAST I don’t have to put up with his awful behavior every day now!

      November 13, 2014
    • Mo

      I was married to a narcissist for 26 years. He was living a double life. He had me so stressed out and sick that for the last year before I filed for divorce I was not able to smile or laugh. I started getting panic attacks. Then one day I found him with a girl the same age as our daughter. I filed for divorce and found out he was all along lying to me about everything. He use to do the exact same things you mentioned above. Why you do not look at my eyes lovingly? Why you think you are the smartest person in the world?… He fought about everything every night and went on and on when I would beg him to be quiet to not wake up and hurt our three children. He would stop for a day and then start back on worse than before.

      After the divorce my children are so happy. They ask me why did I waited so long? No more nonsense fighting over nothing. No more him throwing temper tantrum and acting as if he is the victim. Yes it took me four years of hell to get a divorce but the kids and I are free now! The kids have thrived so much since the divorce. They do not have to hear him putting me down and yelling. We live in a house 1/5 the size we did but we are very happy! The kids are doing so well in school and have found new friends. I can see my family once again because he was very controlling and made my life miserable if I would talk to my family. No More! My children and I do not walk on eggshells anymore. At last I can breath freely and sleep peacefully. My children have thanked me many times for getting them out of hell now that is all over. Yes he still tries to bother us but we will not let him. No contact.
      Good luck

      November 18, 2014
  • Standing firm

    My wife jumped out of bed one day and said she did not want to be married any longer after 25 years. She would not agree to counseling so I agreed.
    We have not spoken since.
    I look back at how smooth my divorce went compared to my current girlfriend who is also divorced but the former spouse has continued to file legal claims for three years.
    I consider this harassment. A judge even asked he stop filing claims and get a job. DOES’NT our system have a method to shut these people down???

    November 05, 2014
    • Yes, the system can be abused. But, Tennessee judges have the authority to award attorney’s fees and sanctions. So there are legal mechanisms to punish the frivolous family law lawsuit.
      Miles Mason, Sr.
      Attorney, Miles Mason Family Law Group, PLC, Serving clients in Memphis • Germantown • Collierville • West Tennessee. Our response is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only way to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an experienced Tennessee family law attorney, let the attorney review pleadings and orders, listen to you, ask follow up questions, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an opinion. The basic information provided is intended as a public service only. A complete discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. All information on this site is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney-client relationship with anyone. Answers are provided for informational purposes only. We strive to be your best option for finding a Memphis divorce lawyer, Germantown divorce lawyer, Collierville divorce lawyer or West Tennessee divorce lawyer.

      December 07, 2014
  • Mom of 4 boys

    This is my soon to be x husband of 27 years. It took me years and years of study to figure out what he was really about. After asking for him to admit we should divorce and to work with me for the sake of the boys, he finally left…. but only after he found another woman. He accused me of having affairs for many years, and made my life absolutely intolerable in so many ways, I had given up on life in general. Now he’s gone. We proposed a settlement but he replied only by berating my lawyer and announcing that he was insulted by ‘my’ offer. He refuses to put any counter offer on the table. Now my attorney is pushing for mediation, and it is scheduled for 13 days from now. Everything inside of me screams that it is a bad idea. But I am not being heard by my attorney. I don’t know what to do and who to trust.

    November 06, 2014
  • Aloneinthis

    I feel alone in this and at the mercy of my attorney. Most of the time I do not understand what he is doing or why. Although I was awarded alimony which was to start in July of 2014 I have yet to receive it. After 29 years of marriage, putting my ex-husband through college and homeschooling our 3 children, I am homeless and had to sell everything I was awarded to start over. My daughter and I had to move in with a friend. My ex is appealing the judges decision and I have no money to pay my attorney for the appeal. I am tired and wonder how many attorneys realize how close to the brink of death narcissistic spouses can take a person. I have scoured the internet looking for help, for answers, for relief. Sadly to say there is none. Those of us going through this in most cases are alone in this and at the mercy of our abuser.

    December 20, 2014
  • Shari

    I wish I had known all of this when I got my divorce in 1995. I started the proceedings in 1994, knew that my husband of 15 years was a total control freak and that he thought he was better than anyone else, that he was very abusive and always putting me down, but I didn’t have a name for it. Now that I’ve read all of the traits of a narcissist, I realize that he has all of them.

    He hid our marital assets during our marriage, and even though we were wealthy I left the marriage with virtually nothing. He controlled our divorce mediation session and had to have everything go his way – nothing went in my favor. He didn’t allow me to work during our whole marriage, and I had been making really good money prior to the marriage. By the time of the divorce, I was no longer able to get back in the job market, my husband had control of all of our assets, I had our two children as the state and court system considered him an unfit parent, and I ended up with very little.

    If I’d only known how to deal with a narcissist and how to come from a much stronger position, I would have insisted that my attorney stand her ground and that the mediator realize that he was a narcissist and treat him as such so he couldn’t have gotten away with all of his nonsense. Then I would have insisted that the divorce be held in front of a judge so that all of the hidden assets be brought out into the open, as I would hope a judge would do – or is that impossible if the husband decides he’s going to plead the 5th? My husband said he’d plead the 5th if a judge asked him about the assets in divorce court, so I didn’t fight it and my stupid attorney didn’t question it.

    Anyway, I think this is a great article about divorcing a narcissist as I sure wish I’d had this information back in 1994 as I would have done things differently.

    February 06, 2015
  • Jon

    I’m actually dealing with an ex-wife like this in what feels like a never-ending divorce. It has been very expensive to fight my ex-wife’s unstable and destructive behaviors in the legal system for 6 years to try to give my daughter the best opportunity and loving home I can in life. Sometimes it feels like the court system is against men like me because of the historical bias in favor of women. I sometimes wonder if the never-ending conflict will ever end. :(

    March 31, 2015
  • Angie

    You have obviously dealt with more than one narcissist and your article is spot on for everything I am contending with right now in my attempt to separate my life from the devil. After 16 months separation, I spent the last two days in court to handle a demurr, a motion to compel, show cause and his request to reduce child support. I feel what he hasn’t done to me personally, the courts just granted him priveledge to continue and finish. I am shattered. I actually believed truth would trump lies and that good prevailed over evil. That is not what I am seeing. The judge actually addressed both he and I stating we had been married long enough (28 yrs.) and should be able to cooperate as mature adults to work this out without wasting the courts time. I cried. He is completely clueless about this personality disorder and the ways in which it affects divorce and custody. I am not on a mission to find a way to educate and teach the legal system, judges, GAL’s and attorneys about this condition and how to recognize someone playing the game and using the system to further victimize their former spouse. How in the world would I be able to start addressing individuals in a position of authority over the courts. I don’t think the courts are malicious, I think they are not trained in mental health issues and the effects on the legal system. If you have any suggestions as to how I can become an advocate, with intimate, first hand knowledge, I would love some ideas to get the ball rolling. This may never help me, but NO ONE deserves the hell a narcissist will put them through given the chance. Thank you in advance for any opinions or suggestions you feel able to render.

    As a side note, I live in the state of Virginia, Virginia Beach.

    April 30, 2015
    • Speak out. Tell everyone. Be persistent. Miles Mason, Sr.

      May 07, 2015
    • Shari Peterson

      I have to comment that in one area the court systems and the judges ARE very, very intelligent about the narcissistic personality disorder. That is in the courts that deal with domestic violence. When I pressed charges against my boyfriend, making sure that I had enough evidence before I did (hand prints all over my body, reports from the hospital doctors, my primary care doctors, as well as witnesses, it sealed his fate. But you have to do it with the evidence or it’s a “he said/she said situation and the judges will never listen to you. Well, I was listened to – PLENTY! He ended up spending a huge amount of money for his defense attorney. The prosecuting attorney told me that he had done this to a couple dozen women before me, but they were so intimidated by him that they were afraid to press charges. But I knew that if I didn’t go through with it (he had threatened to murder me if I left him), then the next woman would get hurt as bad, or worse, than I did.

      I’m so glad that he had to go to go to court. He wasn’t in a lot of trouble because this was his first offense, but it was in the books. He moved to a different state, and he started up business once again. But this time, it was on his record that he had been charged with domestic violence. So the next woman DID press charges, and this time he went to jail! YAY!

      This man is so dangerous that I believe it won’t be long before he does something so much more serious than physically damaging a woman, and that his murderous threats will become a reality so that he won’t have to go to court again.

      Anyway, how did I learn to gather evidence? From when I divorced a narcissist. But then I, stupidly, ran right into the arms of another one. (The one described above). He was even more insidious than my ex-husband, and was a more dangerous man.

      Since that time, I’ve studied everything I can get my hands on regarding this personality disorder, and now know what to look for! This site is a perfect place to develop these skills!

      Know what? After 20 years of divorce, after 10 years of being away from the 2nd narcissist described above, I have been so careful. And I waited and watched, and I learned to judge people by their actions, not by their words. I have been with the most amazing man who may not look like a movie star like those narcissists, but he certainly ACTS like a movie star! He’s the man that women dream of having – he treats me so great, and he only gets better, more loving, every day. Nothing is about him – he wants everything to be about US!

      I’m going to be 60 years old this month, and have finally found that love that is real. I never thought I’d have this because I’ve been so used to narcissists and fakes, their lies, and having to always please them – never having my needs taken care of.

      So I wanted to say that there IS a court system that knows about these creeps, there are ways to prove how bad they are. AND there is life at the end of that miserable tunnel, and it can be the best life ever – even though I believed it would never happen to me. Divorce court wouldn’t be the place to prove that someone is a narcissist UNLESS you have tons and tons of evidence and witnesses. Unfortunately, narcissists hide evidence and make sure that they alienate you from others – so you don’t have people on your side who will testify against them.

      With narcissist #2, I managed to keep friends on the side that he knew nothing about. But that was because I’d had experience from #1. I wasn’t a newby to the game. Unfortunately, there are too many people getting caught up with these monsters every day.

      Blessings to all who have been damaged by these horrible creatures/vampires. Please learn to believe in yourselves so that your narcissist won’t control how you believe about yourself even when they’re gone from your life. Don’t allow the damage to last the rest of your life, and live the most wonderful life ever because it’s the only way to prove that they were wrong!

      May 07, 2015
      • Thank you for sharing. Miles Mason, Sr.

        May 11, 2015
    • Anne

      Angie…Our stories parallel…same age, same length of marriage, same place, same time, same court, same sick toxic NPD treatment, and same frustration felt about the court’s lack of knowledge base in regard to the emotional abuse suffered by spouses of these mentally ill people. (Not men). What the court fails to realize is that it is unknowingly abusing the spouse all over again as it accepts the NPD’s lies as fact. Abuse of discretion runs rampant in the system. I too wish to advocate for the same…my case is 18 mo and ongoing, but I wish to spare younger military wives the pain.

      August 17, 2015
      • Angie

        Anne, I am still in divorce process, which feels like waterboarding terrorism, and still just as frustrated and stupified by the legal system. If you are in the VB/Hampton Roads area, I would love to get together sometime to compare notes and just talk to someone who actually “gets” it since no one I know can wrap their heads around one individual actually treating another in this manner. As you know, not only will they and can they, they have the bonus of gaining pleasure from victim’s stress and anxiety. I don’t know how to get in touch other than maybe FB, my name is Angie Estes Cox if you want to friend request me.

        August 19, 2015
  • Sarah

    I am seeking desperately for people having experience mediating with a Narcissist with success. My Narcissistic husband has been sleeping with prostitutes, spending extreme amounts of money in strip clubs and bars, used our marital money for it, has broken court orders by cleaning out our joint account and closing it, I have pictures of cocaine on his dresser, and he is not cooperating with turning in financial paper work. We have a prenuptial that says no alimony or temporary support and there is no longer any joint money, so he has left me with nothing. After 12 years of marriage money is in either his name or mine. He is hiding money in his company and claiming to make 42K a year. However, 7 years ago he hid a very large sum of money in my name from creditors that I was unaware of at the time. He has offered me half the account and says I have no claims to our home after 12 years of marriage. I want the full account and half the house. He works for a publicly traded bank and his friends to do not know about his prostitutes. He does not even know that I have discovered this. In your experience do you think he will settle in mediation in order to not go public about his drugs and prostitutes? I know there is no promises. I would just like to hear that under circumstances like these it is very probable. I am not going after the company, but if we go to court I will.

    May 27, 2015
    • You should listen only to your lawyer who knows the facts and circumstances in detail. It would not be fair to your lawyer to comment. If you don’t have a lawyer, I strongly recommend you hire an experienced family law attorney immediately.
      Miles Mason, Sr.
      Attorney, Miles Mason Family Law Group, PLC. Serving clients in Memphis • Germantown • Collierville • West Tennessee. Our response is based upon the limited factual information made available and is not intended as a full and complete response to the question. The only way to obtain complete and adequate legal advice is to consult with an experienced Tennessee family law attorney, let the attorney review pleadings and orders, listen to you, ask follow up questions, fully explain your situation, and allow the attorney sufficient opportunity to research the applicable law and facts required to render an opinion. The basic information provided is intended as a public service only. A complete discussion with an attorney should be undertaken before taking any action. All information on this site is available for public viewing and is not intended to create an attorney-client relationship with anyone. Answers are provided for informational purposes only.

      May 28, 2015
  • Karly

    I have read a lot of these stories. I also went through a nasty, hateful and lying divorce some 8 years ago to my N husband. He did everything everyone mentioned in their letters and more …. He was so smart he even managed to get into my bank accounts. Yes, though on-line banking. He found a copy, our children gave him a copy, of my bank account so he had the account number. They often use the children as pawns to spy on you, take things from you and also add spying devices in the house and on your computers. It all happened to me. Once they have your bank account number, routing number they set up on-line banking. They already have your DOB and SS#. I had to change banks, add passwords and I must show up, in person, to change anything on my account. It was a F****ing Nightmare.

    He continues to harass me in the courts for everything and anything just to raise my legal fees. He is very wealthy. Be very very careful who to talk to and share information with — assume you can only trust a few people. Also, interview all of the nastiest attorneys in your area so they cannot hire them. I did not know about this and it would have helped my case and outcome so much.

    Do not tell anyone especially them that you are planning on a divorce. You will need to strike when they are not expecting it. I did not do that. My only credit card was cancelled, the bank account was completely emptied and he managed to run up the line of credit on our house, which was only $5000 to $200,000 in a matter of 11 short months. Nothing will stop them. I had to pay 1/2 of the line of credit, since it was considered marital debt. If you need some things like a new car, get it before you divorce, get all of the things you need before you file.

    As far as children involved, they will be used as pawns and do not be surprised if they turn on you. Parental Alienation is also in their bag of tricks. My children have been bought by their father. I miss them terribily and hope some day I will see them again. Brainwashing and isolation is part of their game as well.

    If you are not familiar with gas lighting — well they are really good at that too. Keep a journal and detail everything. It will help you in court. If you can tape conversations with them, that too may be helpful in court. They will not play fair. You need to be 100% truthful all the time so you can be credible and show that he is not.

    Prayers always work. God sees everything and He will make things right .. but on His time schedule. Karma does come back.

    May 30, 2015
  • Marla

    I am the middle of a very nasty divorce from my narcissistic husband and the courts refuse to put him out of my house! He has even gone so far as to bring another woman into our home for sex and tell me I am doing the same thing by remaining friends with an ex-boyfriend. The more I read about narcissism, the more I can see my soon-to-be ex is a classic case. He works full-time but won’t pay any bills. He contributes nothing to the upkeep of the home. I owned the home prior to our marriage and I don’t understand why the courts are forcing me to live with this man until our divorce is final. He claims he will move when we agree on a parenting plan, but it is just an excuse to exploit my finances and maintain control over me. He is so arrogant that he actually believes I should hold true to our vowes that I “took before God.” What a nut case!

    June 23, 2015
    • Shari

      Maria, I feel so sorry for your plight. What a horrible situation to be in! I hope you get a resolution as quickly as possible.

      July 02, 2015
  • Dee Lint

    My daughter is divorcing her NPD and it has been terrible. I hope that most attys with years of experience are wise to this type of spouse. After her husband had her taken in to ER for a psych evaluation, he bullied and coerced her into going home to parents ” for a visit” and then changed the locks on the house, filed a false affidavit saying she deserted him, filed a TRO and divorce petition. She arrived home to discover all this. She was homeless until friends took her in. He controlled every aspect of their life and behaved so vindictively. At mediation, he turned up without any financial disclosure ( she complied with everything she could), crying and falling apart because he wanted reconciliation! Three months of freedom from his control has given her strength to move forward even though her finances and standard of living are meager. I hate to say it but the blessing is they had no children. Good luck to all and thank you Mr. Mason for your insight into NPD.

    June 24, 2015
  • Rhonda West

    My divorce has been going on now for 3 1/2 years we are divorced as of September 29, 2014 but he wanted a separate trial for dividing assets. Since we own several or owned several companies the ex has had control of all assets and marital home. I rented a home after the FBI raided our home. Since I filed he has been arrested for soliciting a prostitute who was an undercover cop.. It was dismissed, he has been arrested for Bankruptcy Fraud and the trial keeps getting delayed, he was arrested for DUI will havering an ankle monitor for the Fed case and the Feds picked him up and he went back to jail with them. We have two children 9/12. The jail time occurred during December thru Christmas and thru the middle of March. He gave his sister POA over all our assets that still haven’t been divided and no one ok’d it or ordered it so then I was forced to talk to her to in essence get my money. She failed to pay payments on court ordered bills he was to pay, she kept me out of my home that the ex lived in but the judge stated he was going to keep me out of my home while he was in jail. She had the locks changed. After getting out in March of this year, he is on house arrest, ankle monitor and has to check in with probation officer. He has 1/2 my support payment, my credit is ruined, our house is in foreclosure, he harasses me every day, he canceled car insurance on my vehicle paid by our company, he hasn’t followed NOT ONE SINGLE ORDER, his trial for Fed’s is in September for Feds, he has used our assets to pay for his attorney, I’ve used all my savings, whole life insurance, IRA’s, I’ve sold two cars and sold lots of other items just trying to make it and pay my attorneys. We have a GAL and a psychologist on the case. After he was released I did not allow boys to spend the night, they we’re allowed to go over. During the day but I was uncomfortable letting them spend the night he can’t leave the driveway. I was supported by GAL and psychologist and we went back to court last Wednesday and the judge ordered us to go back to divorce decree visitation and still did nothing about all the other orders not followed. He went against the GAL and the psychologist with whom the boys have spent a lot of time with…I am financially ruined, my credit is shot, I’m about to have to move again and he is still living in our $2 million home with pool and having pool parties….it’s out of control!!! Family Courts must be educated..I’m in Alabama so I can’t use this firm..but it’s nice to see a firm that has knoledge and takes it seriously..it a real real issue… “one moms battle, divorcing a narcissist” was my savior as well!

    July 13, 2015
    • Angela Cox

      Rhonda, you are living my life with the exception my EN hasn’t been in trouble with the law. I, too, went from a comfortable lifestyle to poverty virtually overnight. My credit tanked, I had to move into a rental (after being a home owner for over 20 yrs) becasue I couldn’t qualify for a mortgage. Rent costs more than a house payment, so again, another consequence I bear for his selfishness. I am trying to work on somehow, someway that lawyers, judges, GAL’s and anyone having a decision making role in divorces, especially where children are involved, has to take classes on mental health issues and the way in which they impact divorce in the legal system. The judge I have actually admonished me, along with EN, for not being able to settle this on our own after having been married for 28 yrs. I sat in court and cried. He had no idea I HAD been trying to settle this for 17 months. I started with a separation agreement/no fault divorce, rejected. I filed for suit on grounds of adultery and abandonment which has turned into a three ring circus. I have done motion to compel, show cause and dealt with sheer insanity, spent over $50k trying to “resolve” this and come to an agreement but you can’t reason with crazy. What he hasn’t done to me, the courts are allowing him to continue doing to me and have practically no accountability for his actions. His children and I bear the burden of his choices. I would love to “talk” to you sometime about finding a way to help courts understand NPD and other mental conditions in this spectrum. Ironically, my EN moved back to AL to be with his flying monkeys. You can reach me at otjnow at live dot com. Angie :-)

      July 15, 2015
  • Jill

    Would you believe I have been in court with my ex for 14 years? If everything he’s filed in court were stacked it would reach the ceiling. I got a ream of paper delivered to my workplace by a process server last week, three inches thick. Currently the demon has five lawsuits going. I’ve been arrested five times when he swore out warrants before gullible magistrates. I estimate I’m coming up on 200 court appearances including phone conferences. And when I say the ex is a narcissist I am not saying he’s into mirrors. The court-appointed psychologist in our divorce put it in her report and two different judges have put it in their orders. There are no legal remedies in my state whatsoever, or as guardian ad litem #2 said, “There is no legal procedure for enough is enough.” People who watch court shows like to talk about “suing for harassment and intentional infliction of emotional distress” but there is absolutely NO SUCH thing. I’m on my 24th judge.

    So how am I? Pretty damn great. I’m married to the best man alive, have two college degrees, work at an amazing job, and my six kids are fabulous people, four of them grown. The ex is a gigolo whose wife will inherit millions, he owes $70K in child support that I will never see a dime of, and while I may feel differently tomorrow, today is golden.

    July 23, 2015
  • lucky greer

    I am going through a divorce with a narcissist ,I feel my case is a extremely unique because ,instead of the narcissist being a man ,it’s my wife.she’s so vindictive ,lying,cruel, & has done so much damage to me, my stepdaughter,& grandsons it’s impossible to believe.I feel so beat up by the high legal cost ,her unreasonable demeanor & the living nightmare she seems to thrive on & she has told people I hardly even know, that she plans to break me in half as well as other ugly comments.I can’t beleive how selfish & manipulative a person she’s turned out to be,it seems there is no end to the vicious things that she keeps upon the closest one to her,

    August 09, 2015
  • Jenny

    Miles, so glad to see how many people you are able to help so many people. Sadly, it can be a lifelong battle. Keep up the great work!

    September 02, 2015
    • Thank you for your kind words. Miles Mason, Sr.

      September 21, 2015
  • KC

    I’m still in the middle of my nightmare. After 2 years of separation, he continues to torment me from another state with hateful messages and emails. I can’t afford an attorney, and for the sake of my sanity, I can’t continue to live with him always over my shoulder. It feels like I never got away. It’s comforting to see that I’m not alone. Thank you, Mr. Mason, for the article.

    September 28, 2015

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