Co-Parenting Visitation Tips to Create Happy Holiday Memories for Your Kids

Co-parenting visitation tips to create happy holiday memories for your kids

The holidays often present challenges for Tennessee parents, even more so after a divorce or legal separation. With a few co-parenting visitation tips, however, you and your ex can create some very happy holiday memories for your children.

(Are you new to the idea of co-parenting? Arizona family lawyer Scott David Stewart offers 12 tips to help parents prepare their children for divorce – that’s a great place to start.)

Often, the most difficult time for everyone is the initial holiday season following the parents’ separation. Appreciate that children of all ages often yearn to be with both parents simultaneously. This is their first experience with two households, two Thanksgiving dinners, two Christmas trees, and the like. And this is the parents’ first opportunity to help the children adjust positively to recently implemented holiday visitation arrangements.

Make the Holidays More than a Kodak Moment for Your Kids

We searched high and low for parenting time tips to help you through the upcoming holidays. Whether your next celebration with the kids is Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or New Years Day, keep the following bits of advice in mind:

1. No drama, please!

A lot of history is relived during the holidays, enough to press just about anyone’s emotional buttons. Try not to add more drama to an already emotional time by stirring up the past. Even when your sister, brother, mother, or father ask a direct question about the divorce, refrain from making negative comments about your ex within earshot of the children. Better yet, avoid the question altogether and save that conversation for another time and place.

2. Arrange for dependable child care.

If you and the other parent must work while the children are on vacation from school, be sure to arrange for dependable child care over the holidays. Carefully coordinate day care pick-ups and drop-offs, too.

3. Share your travel plans.

Holiday travel often involves visits to relatives in other cities and states. Many parents take advantage of everyone’s time off to travel with the children to tourist destinations, too, such as North Carolina’s Outer Banks. When your holiday plans include travel with the kids, especially if out-of-state, share the details with the other parent (destination, estimated departure and arrival time, duration of trip, contact information, and so on).

4. Make sure your children know they are loved.

Consistently reassure your children, especially if this is the first holiday season after the divorce. Tell them how much they are loved by both Mommy and Daddy even though everyone cannot be together. If you have a significant other in your life, hold off on the introductions until well after the holidays. Give your children time and a little space to adjust to changed circumstances before bringing a new parental figure into their holiday scene.

5. Prepare your children for holiday parenting.

Let the children know where they will be on each day, who they will see, and what they will be doing so they can transition from one parent to the other with less resistance and confusion. Very likely, there will be a fussy moment when a child does or does not want to leave. Reminding the children of the holiday schedule helps minimize anxiety and disappointment. Let them know what the co-parenting plan is so, when you need to enforce it, they will be prepared. (“We’ll be leaving for Daddy’s house right after Thanksgiving dinner” or “Mommy will be here to pick you up at 10 o’clock on New Year’s morning.”)

6. Plan the children’s meal times and make sure they are well-rested.

If the children will be splitting the day between parents, then be sure to work out a meal plan. If the other parent’s family gathering is an early supper, for example, then provide a light lunch for the children while you have them. Get the children to bed on time, too, so they will be well-rested for the other parent’s visitation.

7. Don’t get too spirited with spirits.

If you are planning on imbibing, then do not drive. One alcoholic drink could push you over Tennessee’s blood alcohol concentration limit of .08%. Also, excessive alcohol consumption and child care do not mix.

8. Don’t worry about making the holidays perfect.

You can’t. Don’t try. Putting too much pressure on yourself will find its way to the children. Ignore all the TV shows and movies. Try and be relaxed. Have fun. Be spontaneous. Trying to do too much can be counterproductive. Yes, get the materials to bake holiday cookies, but if you don’t end up making them, don’t sweat it. Buy some at your local bakery. No one will care so long as the stress is low and everyone gets to spend some time together.

9. Stick to the agreed upon visitation exchanges.

Sharing time with the children as part of your holiday parenting plan falls under the court’s child custody orders. Resist the temptation to bend the rules about prompt parenting time exchanges (because you just cannot bear to tear them away from the wonderful time they’re having with you). Do not obstruct your ex’s access to the children. Stay with the visitation plan unless the two of you have agreed to a different arrangement for the day.

10. Record holiday activities in your parenting journal.

Try to note every holiday activity with the children while they are in your care. If the other parent violates the parenting plan, brings the children to you hours later than agreed, or arrives smelling of alcohol, be sure to note your observations in the parenting journal.

11. Create new family traditions.

You and your children have a very different life now, so be free to sow the seeds for new family traditions. Encourage them to express what they would like to do over the holidays with you. For instance, if you have the children on Christmas Eve at 8 p.m. through noon on Christmas Day, create a special age-appropriate activity like decorating gifts or assembling a gingerbread house. Arrange to participate in an event that emphasizes the season. Attend the Thanksgiving Day Parade; enjoy a drive through neighborhood lighted displays; or get tickets to a local ballet production of the Nutcracker Suite.

12. Graciously accept that you won’t have the kids every holiday.

Parenting plans typically have the children alternating holidays with each parent, perhaps even years with the mother and odd years with the father. If you celebrated New Year’s with the children last year, but your ex has them this year, then make adjustments and celebrate the incoming year in an alternative way. Be gracious and encourage your children to have a great time with the other parent.

13. Gifting isn’t about who spends the most money.

Many people get caught-up in trying to out-shop the other parent for children’s gifts. (Children are very talented at maximizing this flaw, by the way.) Don’t overburden the family budget by over-spending during the holidays. Stick to spending what you have the most of – love for your children. Kids like to give gifts, too. Assist them with reasonable gift-buying and, better yet, help them with craft ideas so they can make meaningful gifts for the people they love (including the other parent).

14. Don’t be so rigid that the children lose out.

There is a balance to be struck between sticking rigidly with the parenting plan and being flexible and compromising when circumstances offer holiday opportunities for the children. For example, when Santa Clause will be at the mall at noon, ask the other parent to pick up the children at 2 p.m. instead of 1 p.m. And when the other parent asks for a little flexibility from you, give it. Be sure to note any deviations from the visitation plan in your parenting journal.

15. Stay in communication with the other parent.

Communicate to the other parent any delays or missed appointments involving the children. Inclement weather and holiday traffic alone can turn a ten-minute drive into an hour-long delay. Shopping takes forever. Guests stay later than expected. When you find yourself running late, call or text a message to your ex (make a note later in your parenting journal).

Do pace yourself during the holidays and try to keep everyone’s expectations reasonable. Again, be flexible. If the children are too tired to go out in the evening, consider playing games at home so they can relax, talk, lounge around in their pajamas, and then go right to bed.

For more tips on how to co-parent through the holidays, take a moment to read 10 Tips for Avoiding Stressful Visitation Problems During the Holidays.

Happy Holidays from Our Memphis Family Law Team

The Miles Mason Family Law Group handles Tennessee divorce, child support, alimony, child custody, and parent relocation. Download our free e-Book, Your First Steps: 7 Steps Planning Your Tennessee Divorce. A Memphis divorce lawyer from the Miles Mason Family Law Group can help. To schedule your confidential consultation, call us today at (901) 683-1850.