How Witnessing Domestic Violence Affects Children and How to Help Them

Purple Ribbon for Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Domestic violence is always a difficult subject to discuss or read about but it’s so common in our society that it’s impossible to ignore it. Statistics are all over the place, especially because a lot of domestic violence goes unreported. It has been estimated that anywhere from ten to twenty percent of children are either exposed to domestic violence or are in danger of becoming exposed to it. Statistics show that between 3.3 and 10 million children witness domestic violence in the United States every year. Older children who try to protect their mothers are often injured while trying to protect her.

Children don’t have to be in the room to know that domestic abuse is happening to one of their parents, who is usually but not always their mother. Even if young children or teenagers are in the next room, they are aware of the tension in the house and can be fearful of what’s happening to you. Studies show that even babies are affected by domestic violence. There are ways to protect children from the aftermath and stress of domestic violence. How to help children is largely dependent on their ages and coping skills. There are other factors which can affect how children react to the violence, such as how often the violence occurs, if the violence is perpetrated upon a caregiver or parent, if the children also are physically abused, the children’s gender, the amount of time it’s been since the violence, and the extent of the violence.

How children of different ages handle witnessing domestic violence

Infants, toddlers and young school-age children are affected by domestic violence but it may be difficult to know the extent of the effect on them. If the affected children are your children or the children of someone you are close with, you should look for warning signs. In this age group, some warning signs could be regressive behavior such as behaving like a baby if the children are two to six-years-old, bedwetting, being fearful, a change in sleeping and eating patterns, having more tantrums, being more difficult in general, having nightmares, complaints of physical symptoms, and aggressive behavior with other children. A baby may cry more than he did initially. A toddler or young child may have trouble leaving you to go to pre-school or kindergarten.

There are a number of different symptoms that could appear. The important thing to find out is whether the children are acting differently from the way they used to behave. If so, then some intervention will be necessary. Because a lot of young children cannot express their feelings, you will need to watch their behavior for clues that they are having trouble coping.

Elementary and middle school children will react differently from younger children because they can think it’s their fault for the violence and may feel guilty about it. The children in this age group can show changes in their behavior in a variety of ways. They may choose to avoid discussing the violence, have bad dreams, show regressive behavior, change their eating and sleeping habits, begin fighting in school and elsewhere, show new fears, become problematic in school, show hyperactivity and have difficulty concentrating, and can become sad, anxious or withdrawn. Again, if you notice changes in the children’s behavior, these changes are warning signs that the children are having difficulty coping with the violence in their lives.

With teenagers, the behaviors could be destructive, so you have to watch them carefully. They will be more comfortable talking to their friends, generally, so it might be difficult to discuss the family situation with them. Other than avoiding discussion, they may act out by doing drugs, using alcohol, breaking the law, getting into fights, being sexually active, not leaving the house so they can be there for you, not going to school, becoming defiant, becoming violent and taking risks, and thinking about suicide. These behaviors have to be taken very seriously. There are times when your help will not be enough and you will need to bring in professionals.

Ways to help children who have witnessed domestic violence

Children are very perceptive. They usually have an idea of what’s going on, so attempting to hide domestic violence in the house isn’t going to work. Even if children hear rather than see the domestic abuse, they’re usually aware of what’s going on and may create their own scenario about what’s happening to you. Keep in mind that male children will tend to act out more than females, while females may tend to keep things to themselves. Neither is healthy but with the right intervention, the children can be helped. If you are unable to help your children, turn to the professionals and let them do it.

Here are some ways to help the children get through this and actually survive it, physically and emotionally.

For all age groups:

Help the children feel safe and secure. Let them know you’re available for them.
Try to find a safe place for younger children and have a safety plan for older children.
Make sure you’re getting help for yourself so you can help your children.
Let all children know that it’s not their fault (at their age-appropriate level). Many children will believe it is.
Try to remove the children from the situation if at all possible, even if it means leaving them with a relative or babysitter.
Make sure you explain other ways to solve problems instead of by using violence.
Contact a psychologist, social worker, school psychologist, clergyman or someone who works with domestic violence victims to ensure that the children are getting additional help.

For infants, toddlers and young school-age children:

Make the children feel safe. Give them comforting toys, blankets, or pacifiers.
Try to get them out of the house. Take infants and toddlers to “Mommy and Me” groups to let them be with other children and to let you connect with other mothers.
Ask young children what would make them feel better. Some may have an answer, while some won’t.
Give them puppets to play-act if they want to. Let them draw or write and get out their feelings on paper.
Find a safe place for young children to be if violence flares up in the home. You can have a code with even young children so they know they need to stay in their room or some other place.
Read to them, including books involving situations like yours. There are all kinds of books on the market today including books for young children where violence is a part of the characters’ lives.
Body contact is important if the children will allow it. That means allowing them to be alone with you, whether you’re rocking them, singing to them, picking them up, or reading to them.
Don’t introduce too many changes to the children’s lives. It’s better to stick to routines that have worked in the past.
Don’t let your children be alone with strangers as they may be very frightened. They need to feel connected to you.
Keep them away from violent video games, television shows, computer games, and anything with violent content.

For elementary and middle school children:

Make your children feel safe but don’t promise such things as “it won’t happen anymore” because there’s no way to know if this is true. Make them feel safe by holding or cuddling them more often if they need it.
Give the children some control over things in their lives, even if they are small things, such as choice of food, clothes, where to go, etc. Domestic violence makes them feel helpless; some sense of control is important so they don’t feel like their whole lives are out of control.
As with younger children, try to follow your regular routine as much as possible, unless it’s not safe.
Let your children know they can talk to you and that you will listen. Some children may want to talk and some may not, but try to be there for them. If the children are not your children but you are helping a friend or family member, your listening to them will be invaluable.
Read to them or give them books on this very sensitive subject. They may relate to the characters in the books. There are books for all age levels.
Teach them that violence is not the answer to solving problems. Teach alternate methods of problem-solving or ask someone to help you teach this to your children.
Discuss a safety plan with children of this age group. This could include getting out of the house and going to a neighbor’s house, or going outside if it’s safe, or going into another area of the house.
Know that it’s okay to discuss the child’s feelings. Let them express themselves through art, music, theater, sports or dance.
For this age group, allowing them to act things out with puppets or action figures might allow them to talk about how they’re feeling. Allow them to draw or write whatever they want if it makes them feel better.
See if there are any groups or activities the children can join to get them out of the house more often.
Try not to badmouth the other parent, no matter what is happening. You might want to talk to a counselor or clergyman to learn how to explain what is happening in an appropriate way. You may want to explain that daddy gets mad sometimes and you can discuss how it feels, but again, you may want to check with a counselor for a good way to say this.
If the children like music, you might consider providing music, with or without headphones, for them to listen to if they hear threatening noises.

For teenagers:

Try to see if teenagers will talk about how they’re feeling. If not, don’t take it personally. It’s not personal but it’s their way of coping by shutting down.
Listen to any and all threats and take them seriously, such as threats of bodily harm to themselves. Get help for them immediately, including emergency room treatment, hospitalization, counseling, getting a physician, etc.
Try not to get into arguments with your teenagers.
Explain things the best you can. Don’t lie to them — they’ll know if you’re lying and will respect you more for the truth.
Discuss safety plans with them. If they can drive, they can leave the scene if it becomes violent.
Allow them to listen to music to avoid hearing loud conversations.
Let them express themselves through art, music, dance, acting, sports, writing, or other type of reasonable activity.
Try active listening, which involves repeating back to teenagers what you think they’re trying to say.
Find activities you can do with teenagers that can take them and you out of the house together. Let them have choices for the activities.
Let them leave the house more often so long as you know they’re going to be in a safe place.
Even if you cannot get the children to feel hopeful, let them engage in activities that give them a sense of self and hope. Let them do things they enjoy so long as they aren’t risky and don’t involve violence or illegal activities.
If a life-threatening situation arises, such as drugs, risky behavior, threats of suicide, or legal troubles, seek professional help for them. If teenagers are acting out or keeping silent, seek professional help for them so they can learn how to cope.