5 Things To Do Before You Even Think About Getting a Tennessee Divorce

There are five things you really must do, or at least attempt to do, before you even think about ending your marriage in Tennessee divorce. Some non-experts argue that the first to file the divorce wins; that being the first to strike is necessary to gain strategic advantage. Not so. More accurately, the Tennessee spouse who knows the marriage is truly over and who is fully prepared for the proceedings is most likely to get what he or she wants from the divorce process. Acceptance that the marriage is at its end is important to getting through the emotional aspects of divorce.

5 things to do before you even think about getting a Tennessee divorce

Before diving head-first into Tennessee divorce and running the risk of regret and poor decision-making in the process, do these five things:

1. Give marriage counseling a fair shake;
2. Consult with an experienced Memphis TN divorce attorney;
3. Engage a divorce coach to steady the course;
4. Get into a negotiating mindset; and
5. Secure your assets and documents before talking divorce with your spouse.

Your pre-divorce planning should start with those first thoughts of divorce. Begin with a quick e-book download of Your First Steps: 7 Steps to Planning Your Tennessee Divorce. And then…

1. Give Marriage Counseling a Fair Shake

Do not rush into Tennessee divorce without first offering to participate in marriage counseling with your spouse. Marriage counseling with a mental health professional, pastor, or other trained counselor may not cure the marriage, but most couples benefit from the certainty of knowing that they tried and did their best.

Some view marriage counseling as a last resort when divorce is inevitable. Divorce is never inevitable. And marriage counseling can help spouses on many levels: to understand why things are as lopsided as they are, whether there is hope for reconciliation, if a period of separation might be beneficial as counseling continues, among other things. Poor communication is often a problem for spouses; a counselor can help break through misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and longstanding impasses.

Don’t rush into Tennessee divorce without giving marriage counseling a try

Where to find a marriage counselor?

Ask for a recommendation from your priest or pastor. Talk to a friend who can give you a referral. Although not intended to be an endorsement, check out the directory of Memphis, TN, counselors and therapists for a marriage counselor who can help.

2. Consult with an Experienced Memphis TN Divorce Attorney

All too often, spouses blindly catapult themselves into Tennessee divorce. They do not know what the legal process entails, what their rights are, what their responsibilities are, and what pitfalls lie in wait for them. Consult with an experienced divorce lawyer in Tennessee before committing to divorce action. By obtaining legal advice early on, you can avoid mistakes that cannot be undone or that will take substantial legal effort and expense to overcome. Consider, for example, the following situations:

• Be Cautious About Confessing Marital Sins to Your Spouse

That may sound harsh, but the point is you do not want to confess your marital indiscretions, affairs, gambling losses, and so on to your spouse when divorce is likely. For example, if you had an extramarital affair (which is grounds for divorce in Tennessee), then do not admit to it by telling your spouse the details. Your confession could be admissible in court as evidence against you and proof that the divorce was your fault. Admissions of fault can weaken your position on alimony, division of property, and child custody. Unless the cat’s already out of the bag, save those discussions for your divorce lawyer.

• Do Not Move Out of the Family Home, Especially if It Means Leaving the Children

A husband will often leave the family home in a misguided attempt to assuage his wife and keep the peace. However, moving out of the marital home before the court so orders often backfires, placing the spouse who left at a distinct disadvantage with regard to temporary alimony and child support, parenting time, and responsibility for paying bills. Judges often look to the status quo at the time of the divorce and, if the status quo is working, will maintain it. This could easily be “children are doing just great living with their mother in the family home.”

Stay until you have talked with a lawyer about the potential repercussions of leaving the marital home. Eventually, the court may order you or the other party out of the house. But until that day arrives, stay unless there is a risk of physical harm to you or the children. With domestic violence or abuse, always put your safety and the safety of your children first.

3. Engage a Divorce Coach to Steady the Course

Memphis divorce recovery can help

Assuming you have already consulted with at least one Tennessee divorce attorney and the end of your marriage is as certain as it can be, then consider engaging a divorce coach. Don’t chance losing your grip or your courage. You are, after all, from the valorous Volunteer State. Learn to “keep your powder dry” so that, when faced with challenges, you are mentally prepared to cross the bridges you must and do battle in asserting your position. Divorce is not easy. Your personal divorce coach can be a tremendous asset. Here’s why.

Many clients look to their attorneys for emotional support, which is understandable to some degree. The attorney-client relationship is privileged and clients confide in their lawyers about a number of highly personal matters. But the lawyer is a legal advocate, not a therapist or mental health professional. Attorneys help clients win their lawsuits.

Before discussing divorce coaching, let us talk about what it is not – divorce recovery. A divorce recovery therapist is a psychologist or mental health professional uniquely qualified to help patients address depression, uncontrolled anger, intense grief, and other emotional problems relating to, or arising out of, divorce. A jilted spouse may worry intensely about what life will be like next month and next year. “What is to become of me?” Agonizing over the tragedy of being rejected by the very person he or she put all trust and faith in. Now that trusted friend is making accusations of the most vile nature in the divorce. It can cut to the quick. Divorce recovery therapy can help.

Although not acting as a therapist, the divorce coach is trained to spot problems best addressed through divorce recovery therapy. During divorce litigation, should a client’s mental state take a nosedive, who better than a trained divorce coach to help that spouse make changes or get into therapy.

Why should you consider divorce coaching?

Your emotional state throughout the divorce is critically important to the outcome. The divorce coach is experienced, disciplined, and focused on the task at hand. He or she can help you stay strong and on track, and avoid mistakes in a high conflict divorce.

Divorce coaching is sensible.

The divorce coach helps the client envision life after divorce and prepare to move on in a new direction by setting short-term and long-term goals. Just as importantly, the divorce coach helps the client remain in an emotional range where good decisions are made so that, when divorce conflicts get intense, the client can handle it. Through divorce coaching, the client learns techniques that help minimize emotional swings through counseling, nutrition, regular exercise, and education about the divorce process.

Get as comfortable with the divorce process as you can. Ready yourself for the key battles ahead. You need to know what is coming and which bridges must be crossed, no matter what. A divorce coach can help you avoid being caught in a defenseless or weakened state where you lose sight of your goals or fall apart under pressure. Especially when scorched earth tactics are employed to confuse you and wear you down. (Memphis TN attorney Miles Mason, Sr., discusses how divorce coaching can help in a three-part YouTube video series).

4. Get into a Negotiating Mind Set

Secure assets and documents before discussing divorce with your spouse

Prepare to negotiate, mediate, and negotiate some more. You and your spouse may not be on speaking terms, but in a divorce you are still expected to give your best efforts in attempting to resolve as many issues as possible outside of trial. Believe it or not, with the assistance of their divorce lawyers most spouses do just that. Negotiations lead to marital dissolution agreements over the division of property, child custody and parenting time (as part of a parenting plan), alimony decisions, and special support matters regarding the children. One negotiation at a time. Any unresolved issues will be tried and ultimately decided by the judge.

Do not give in, give up, or roll over.

Unfortunately, some spouses will do whatever they can to avoid the divorce process. They would rather settle (without trying to get anything they wanted) in lieu of suffering through a divorce and the Tennessee court system. This is particularly true of those who have never been involved with litigation in their lives. The divorce process is a scary thing.

For example, when the wife is too eager to settle, the husband may present a self-serving settlement offer knowing she will agree to just about anything rather than risk a contested divorce. There may be a few exchanges where issues are negotiated. But if she is more concerned with ending the divorce than with fighting for vacation parenting time or rehabilitative alimony, then a lopsided settlement agreement could result. Her focus is on getting the divorce process over and done with, forever. The forever part can ruin finances and the relationship she hoped to have with her children. Prepare to negotiate? Yes. Fold at the first sign of conflict? No.

5. Secure Your Assets and Documents Before Talking Divorce with Your Spouse

You definitely need to engage in some pre-divorce planning, both strategic and practical. Start with a plan to secure and protect your assets and income documents while you have unfettered access to them. Would your spouse liquidate assets or destroy documents without your knowledge or consent? Possibly.

With service of process on the respondent spouse, Tennessee’s automatic mandatory injunction severely limits what spouses can do with their marital property. Before that magic date, spouses can do what they want with their property so long as it is lawful. Given that you are already at odds, the best plan is to secure assets before or soon after separating. Once the divorce is pending, you may be going through your attorney (and the court) to retrieve personal items, furniture and furnishings, and anything else you need or want because it was not in your possession at the time of the divorce.

This is a pivotal moment in your life, rise to the occasion. Talk to an experienced family lawyer about protecting your finances and read much about the Tennessee divorce process. Remember to “keep your powder dry” so when battles ensue, you will be mentally equipped and ready to fight for what it is you really want.