Never Discuss Your Fayette County, Tennessee Divorce with the Kids

You should never discuss adult matters regarding your Fayette County, Tennessee, divorce with the children. Of course the kids will sense that something has changed and, naturally, questions may surface. But there is a chasm of difference between answering your child’s questions appropriately about what is happening, and confiding adult concerns about the break-up with a young child, tween, or teenager.

Let’s go over three ground rules for divorcing parents:

No Crutches

1. Your child is not your crutch.

Avoid the tendency to lean on your son or daughter for emotional support or to obtain the moral high ground. Divorce is confusing for children of all ages. Pre-school children may fail to thrive. Grade school children often feel responsible for their parents’ problems (“I made Mommy cry”). While teenagers may be angry at either or both parents for “ruining everything.” Be strong in your role as parent, stay in control, and be there for your child’s emotional needs.

No Alienation

2. Do not alienate the other parent from your child.

Parties sometimes take out their frustrations by subtly, and not so subtly, alienating the other parent from a child. Openly criticizing Dad’s behavior as “stupid” for seeking joint custody, or calling Mom “greedy” because she requested alimony, these harsh words may cause the child to believe he must take sides. Acts of parental alienation are serious enough to cost a party custody if such interference obstructs the other parent’s right to bond and build a loving relationship with her child. Whatever you may be thinking about how the divorce is going or what a jerk your ex is, keep it to yourself if your child is present or within earshot. Save your frustrations for an appropriate adult setting. Sweat it out at the athletic club, take a long brisk walk, enjoy a peaceful drive in the mountains, but get it out of your system.

No Messengers or Spies

3. Your child is neither messenger nor spy.

Resist the temptation to convey a message to the other parent by sending it through your child. Similarly, do not put your child through an inquisition to find out what your ex is up to, or with whom. Some are so hurt by the collapse of the marriage, they want some assurance that the other spouse is suffering, too. Do not use your child to spy on the other parent or ask the child to convey this private information. The best approach is to deal with your own emotions, perhaps by meeting with a support group through your church or participating in individual divorce counseling to learn coping mechanisms.

In any divorce, the parties’ behavior toward each other and toward their children will be highly scrutinized and may have a significant impact on how the judge decides custody. Behave like an adult who takes parenting responsibilities seriously. Treat the other parent with the respect due. Even when your spouse seems to be baiting you, take care to keep your children out of the muck of a hotly contested divorce. Communicate any concerns you have about the other party’s handling of the kids to your lawyer, including any indications of parental alienation.

To learn more about the factors used by family courts to base custody decisions, see:

Child Custody Factors in Tennessee Divorce  Law.

Fayette County Child Custody Lawyer

For more information, see Tennessee Child Custody Answers to FAQs. For legal updates, news, analysis, and commentary, visit our Tennessee Family Law Blog and its Child Custody category. A Memphis child custody attorney from the Miles Mason Family Law Group can help you establish or modify child custody. To schedule your confidential consultation, call us today at (901) 683-1850.

If you plan to divorce, take time to prepare by ordering a copy of The Tennessee Divorce Client’s Handbook: What Every Divorcing Spouse Needs to Know, now available on Amazon and Kindle.