Is Infidelity Cause or Symptom of Divorce? Divorce Lawyers Answer

In your experience, is infidelity more of a cause of divorce or is infidelity just a symptom? Is infidelity the leading cause of divorce? Reasons not to divorce after infidelity. Is infidelity the leading cause of divorce? Reasons not to divorce after infidelity. Is cheating a reason for divorce? Does cheating cause divorce? Is adultery a symptom of divorce?

Below, we have a list of the attorneys, their respective cities, and their contact information.

Q: Is Infidelity More a Cause of Divorce or a Symptom?

Randall Kessler:

I don’t think it’s often the cause. I don’t think many people have affairs that are in great marriages. I think more often what happens is people are in bad marriages, and they stick with it. They say, “I promised my family. I promised God. I promised my kids I’d stay married,” and they stay in it. Then one day they realize they could be happy with somebody else, and they meet somebody else. That gives them the courage or the strength to say, “You know what? Now, I’m going to act on the fact that I’m unhappy.” And it’s a crutch. Maybe a better word than symptom is a crutch. Nobody wants to be alone. Right? Very few people want to be alone.

So, people ask themselves, “Do I hate her or him so much that I just want to be alone?” Some people say yes. But most people would say, “I’d rather stay in this marriage.” Then they see, “Oh my God, I could be with him or her and be happy. I’m going to get a divorce.” So, then they have that affair, which causes the divorce or is the last straw in the divorce or is the symptom. But I don’t typically see somebody who is very, very happy say, “Oh, I’m going to go out and have sex with somebody else, and because of that, I get a divorce.” There’s usually something pretty wrong with the marriage before adultery comes into play in my experience.

Scott Friedman:

Is infidelity more of a cause of divorce or a symptom? I’d say it’s usually more of a cause of divorce than a symptom.

Barry Gold:

Infidelity is never a cause of divorce. It is always a symptom. It will sometimes look like a cause because it can be the last domino, the straw that breaks the camel’s back. But happily married couples are not engaging in infidelity other than consensually. And that’s outside my pay grade. But it’s always the symptom that something else is wrong in the marriage. So, when people come in and say, “We’re divorcing because of the infidelity,” I say, “No, the marriage has failed for whatever reason. The infidelity is a symptom.”

Steven Peskind:

If I understand the question correctly, is infidelity symptomatic of a bad marriage, or does it break up the marriage? In my opinion, the greatest cause of divorce is the grass is greener. People get bored, and they think they’ll find happiness with somebody else. So, it’s a little bit of both. I can’t really answer the question directly.

Joe Booth:

It may be a symptom of an insecure person who just can’t take yes for an answer, who can’t be confident in the fact that they have found somebody that cares about them and is committed to them, but they can’t return that commitment because they’re so insecure. Or whether it’s a symptom of a damaged relationship and the dynamics of how one and another care for one another. But it’s definitely symptomatic of an underlying issue.

Interestingly, I worked for a number of years as a United Methodist minister and then became an attorney, and I found infidelity to be one of those things that would traumatize a relationship but was more easily recovered from than dishonesty when it came to finances and many other issues in which the basic trust in communication is totally shattered. This is especially true if the infidelity is episodic, a moment in time, ships passing in the night. Most people can understand how you can get caught up in a moment. And frankly, the partners tend to blame the partner of the person who breached as opposed to the person who breached. It’s easy to lay that just off on too handsome of a fellow or too sexy of a lady and to go on. It’s the out-of-control addictive behavior that really gets people.

Miles Mason:

In terms of the age-old debate of whether infidelity is a cause or a symptom of divorce, I think it’s a trap question. Because it assumes information that’s not in the question. More particularly, it can be both, or it could be neither. I mean, you never know exactly which is which. Now in my experience of seeing clients come in the door, it’s going to be the last straw quite often. But also, usually, the first infidelity is not an issue. It’s usually either the second or third, by the time they get to my office. Because I think the biggest misconception is that people file for divorce on a whim. They don’t. They’re very serious. They’ve thought about it for a long time. And infidelity can be and often is a symptom and a cause.

Thank you for contributing your experience and expertise to our “Top Family Lawyers Answer Divorce Questions” video series.  You are the best. Cheers!

Randy Kessler
Atlanta, Georgia
Kessler & Solomiany, LLC
ABA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Melissa Avery
Indianapolis, Indiana
Broyles Kight & Ricafort, P.C., Of Counsel
ABA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Joseph W. Booth
Lenexa, Kansas
Law Offices of Joseph W. Booth
ABA Family Law Section, Co-Chair of Publications Board

Scott N. Friedman
Columbus, Ohio
Friedman & Mirman Co., L.P.A.
ABA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Stephen N. Peskind
St. Charles, Illinois
Peskind Law Firm, PC
ABA Family Law Section, Author

Barry L. Gold
Chattanooga, Tennessee
McWilliams, Gold & Larramore
TBA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Miles Mason, Sr.
Memphis, Tennessee
Miles Mason Family Law Group, PLC
ABA Family Law Section, Author