Family Lawyers’ Advice to Their Younger Selves

How long have you been practicing family law? If you could go back in time, what would be your best professional development advice to give yourself after practicing law for just 3 years?

Q: If You Could Go Back in Time, What Would Be the Best Advice to Give Your Past Self?

Barry Gold:

I’ve been practicing family law for 38 years. I started at 23, which was kind of young. I have some definite advice that I would give to myself, and the tongue and cheek advice would be, go to med school. But that’s not the answer. One, I don’t know that I would ever have gotten into med school. The better answer is about maintaining the balance, the work life balance. Family law in particular will consume whatever time, energy, and resources you are willing to devote to it, which means it could literally take everything that you are willing to do.
The job doesn’t end at 5:00 when the day’s over. It’s an ongoing process and it’s very easy to forget that you have family, or would like to have family, friends. You have to take care of yourself physically. You need to work on your spiritual preparedness. These are things that will get lost by the wayside if you’re not careful. And you get caught up in the excitement of a new practice, you feel good about your work ethic, you’re working very hard, and that’s a wonderful thing. But you will turn around, if you are not careful, and the practice will be doing well, but it will be to the detriment of everything else that matters in your life if you don’t stop and say, “I’m going to spend time with family, with friends, in my community, at my place of worship, other things that matter.”

So that would be my advice. It is your job. It does not define who you are. And the last thing, it’s a little hackneyed, but it’s still useful advice. No family lawyer on their deathbed ever said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office.” And it’s a good thing to keep that in mind. There will be things you wish you’d spent more time doing and I doubt it will be on Westlaw or working behind your desk. It’ll be with the people that matter to you.

Joe Booth:

I’ve been practicing family law for somewhere between 20 and 25 years. And I think if I could go back to the halcyon days of the youthful family law attorney that I was, I’m not sure I’d want to take from myself the idealism, but I do think that I would want to take from myself the sense that I was somehow important beyond my means. You have to take yourself to a level of just frank seriousness and not think that you can somehow manage to do more than you can. There are limits. And interesting to me is how much more you can get done once you’ve recognized your own frailties.

Many times, I talk to young attorneys, and they’re involved in cases that are just dragging their happiness level way down. And you ask them why you’re still in the case and the answer is, “Well, I’m the only one keeping this ship upright.” I used a metaphor just yesterday for that example, I said, “When I was a kid and we were at summer camp, they taught us how to flip our canoes, submerge the canoe, and then paddle the submerged canoe back from across the lake to safety. And so, we had a lot of fun all day paddling canoes that were half underwater.”

So, many times, the ship has sunk for so long and really all you’re doing is paddling around the lake in a sunken ship. You are not the person who is ever going to fundamentally change someone else’s life and wellbeing. You have to guide them to figure out how they can do that for themselves. And you may be an important resource, but you’re not the end all and be all. So, I guess the key element to any new family law attorney would be to tell them, just think a lot less of themselves.

Melissa Avery:

Well, I’ve been practicing law for over 27 years, which is hard to believe. I have to look at the calendar, because it certainly doesn’t seem that long, but it has been. I think what I would tell myself and what I’ve learned over the years is, decide what kind of cases you want and then tailor the things that you do for professional development to get those kinds of cases. So that sounds pretty logical, right? But what I’m talking about is your bar activities, the speaking engagements that you take, the networking that you do. Really tailor those to the kind of cases you want. So, for instance, if you don’t want to do high conflict custody work, don’t speak about that topic. If you do want to do high net worth divorces, then those are the speaking engagements that you want to take and you want to network with the people that work on those types of cases and for those types of clients. So really just be intentional about the activities that you do and the networking that you engage in.

Steven Peskind:

So, I’ve been practicing family law for 36 years continuously, and the advice that I would give to young Steve would be relax. Don’t get all wrapped up in the drama and take a step back. And remember, it’s just a job. You’re representing people.
This is a little tangential, but it’s on this subject. When I was a younger lawyer, maybe about 30-ish, 31, 32, I had been in practice five, seven years. I was having stomach problems and I went in to see my doctor. And he was a wise old hippie, looked like a hippie, very smart guy though. And he said, “What’s the problem?” I said, “Well, I’m having this kind of chronic digestive problem and I think it’s because I have a really stressful job.”

And he said to me, “Well, what do you do?” And I said, “Well, I’m a divorce lawyer.” And he said, “I understand. So, you’re getting a divorce?” I said, “No, no, you misheard me. I said I’m a divorce lawyer. I represent people.” He goes, “No, you misheard me. You’re not getting a divorce. Relax, it’s not your life. You’ll be fine.” And I really did take that advice to heart, and I’ve tried to follow that for my entire career.

Randall Kessler:

So, I’ve been doing this over 30 years. I graduated Emory Law School in 1988, started my own firm in ’91. And I don’t know. Don’t be afraid. The advice I would give myself back when I started, don’t be so insecure. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Your instincts are pretty good. Follow your instincts but do more of what you did when you were young, which is reach out to mentors, find older lawyers that have been around the block and ask them if what you’re doing is right and have somebody look over your shoulder a little bit. But other than that, it’s a balance. Be confident but ask questions. I’d say if you can find that balance, you’ll be successful.

Scott Friedman:

How long have I been practicing family law? I think this is my 23rd year doing just family law. And what advice would I go back and give my rookie self? The advice I would give my rookie self I got after five years of practice. And that is that you’re not going to solve every problem with every person. You’re not going to win every case and you need to understand that you have to have a work life balance. I think a lot of young lawyers in this field in particular take these cases as their own, like their own lives. And it’ll beat you down. I mean, this is a tough, tough business. You’re always aggressive, need to be aggressive. You’re always going to come up, there’s always going to be problems that occur with people, and if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re going to really burn out.

For the first five years I had horrible migraine headaches, I had lower back pain, and it was all stress. That’s all it was. And after five years, having figured out that I wasn’t going to solve every problem and I needed sleep and I needed to take time off from work and not work 18, 20-hour days, I got better. And I practiced better, and I was a much better lawyer and I listened more, because I was able to figure that out. But it took me five years. It took a lot of mentors to help me with that. That’s what I would do.

Miles Mason, Sr.:

I’ve been practicing law for 27 years. The advice I would give myself if I could go back in time 24 years would be to attend even more of the ABA Family Law Section Fall and Spring Conferences. I went to a lot as a young lawyer and it was very, very beneficial. I also went to the Trial School within my first year, that’s the ABA Family Law Section Trial Advocacy Institute, in the first year of my practice, and it was great. I would definitely go back and say, “Look, read more books.”

I read a lot, but there’s nothing better than a good law book. And I’ve got my favorites that I’ve read, but I wish I had read even more. And then go to those conferences. And finally, be more aggressive asking other lawyers for their advice. Through the years I’ve asked a lot of lawyers around the country for their advice with difficult situations or situations I’d just never handled before. I should have done that even more. I really should. I’ve got great friends that are very experienced and have a great deal more experience than me in different categories of types of family law matters and having those relationships has been arguably the best part of my career. My only regret is I didn’t do it, didn’t ask as many questions, and I didn’t ask more and read more.

Thank you for contributing your experience and expertise to our “Top Family Lawyers Answer Divorce Questions” video series.  You are the best. Cheers!

Randy Kessler
Atlanta, Georgia
Kessler & Solomiany, LLC
ABA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Melissa Avery
Indianapolis, Indiana
Broyles Kight & Ricafort, P.C., Of Counsel
ABA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Joseph W. Booth
Lenexa, Kansas
Law Offices of Joseph W. Booth
ABA Family Law Section, Co-Chair of Publications Board

Scott N. Friedman
Columbus, Ohio
Friedman & Mirman Co., L.P.A.
ABA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Stephen N. Peskind
St. Charles, Illinois
Peskind Law Firm, PC
ABA Family Law Section, Author

Barry L. Gold
Chattanooga, Tennessee
McWilliams, Gold & Larramore
TBA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Miles Mason, Sr.
Memphis, Tennessee
Miles Mason Family Law Group, PLC
ABA Family Law Section, Author