How has practicing family law impacted your marriage or other personal relationships?

Seven top family lawyers answer, “How has practicing family law impacted your marriage or other personal relationships?”

Q: How Has Practicing Family Law Impacted Your Marriage or Other Personal Relationships?

Randall Kessler:

I think we all have to bite the apple ourselves. I’d like to say that being a divorce lawyer has made my marriage perfect and made me a much better husband. I still make my mistakes. I still do what a lot of people do. I have a bad day at work, I go home and I’m angry and I take it out at home. I try not to do it. I say to myself all the time, “Boy, I’m so glad my marriage isn’t as bad as this one.” I’m so lucky in my marriage compared to the ones I have at work. But we’re all human beings. So, has it impacted it? Yes, it makes me realize and appreciate it and it makes me realize even more with my daughter and family. I know that if I got divorced and even if I got custody, I’d missed my child on the weekends that I had to give her up for visitation. So, the ability to be in an intact home is pretty important. I appreciate it even more maybe than a lot of people do.

But I think the problem is sometimes my clients need me, and I had my career before I had my marriage. I was a divorce lawyer for 20 years before I got married. So, I spent a lot of time at work, a lot of time on the phone helping people, but I’ve got an understanding wife who knows that if I get a call at 10 o’clock at night, someone wants to pay me $700 an hour to talk to them, that I’m going to take that call. And it’s important enough to that client, and I set boundaries. There are times when we’re eating dinner, I won’t take the call. If I’m watching a movie at home with my wife, I won’t take the call. But there are times when I got to do what I got to do.

So, it’s been a nice balance, but being a family lawyer also makes me understand that everybody has their own baggage, right? You walk down the street, and you see somebody, and you think they look like they’ve got it all. When they walk into my office, there’s something going on that nobody knew about, and everybody’s got something. So, I’ve been lucky. I’ve sort of lived a lot of vicarious lives, right? I’ve gotten to see superstars and I’ve represented a lot of entertainers and athletes, and I’ve gotten a glimpse into what it’s like to be them.

And I’ve seen business leaders and judges and political candidates, and it’s real. When we’re talking, it’s just, they’re real. They’ve got the same issues. Their spouse won’t make love to them. Their spouse doesn’t appreciate them. They’re going through the same stuff that non famous people go through or not. And it makes me feel more with my own issues and whatever. I’ve gone on a lot more, a lot worse issues than what I have going on with me.

Barry Gold:

Practicing family law puts a great strain on other relationships. It’s going to require a spouse or significant other that realizes that there will be times when you are having to work sometimes really, really difficult hours, nights and weekends. If that’s the common practice, something’s gone wrong, but if you’re preparing for a big trial, it’s understandable that’s going to be the nature of it. But it does put a strain in it because maybe some lawyers have the ability to just shut this process off. So, they leave the office at the end of the day or at night as the case may be. And they’re not thinking about what they’re going to have to be doing at a trial or a deposition tomorrow. But I think most of us, we don’t just turn that off. And we kind of shut down our brain, then go into a coma.

I think it stays with you. So that running all the time where your mind is constantly clicking along can be just difficult for our relationship or not being able to participate in family things as fully as you would like, or even if you’re physically present or you’re mentally present. So, it really, it has placed a strain historically. I’ve gotten better with a passage of time but knowing that family will take whatever resources you are prepared to give to it. And probably a little bit then beyond that, it’s incumbent upon the lawyer to realize they’ve got to set up some boundaries. They’ve got to place some limitations, schedule vacation, schedule time away, treat your own, your family obligations and time as vital, as much as you can and get away from it because your practice needs you to get away so that you can be effective when you’re back on the job.

Steven Peskind:

It has enhanced my marriage and because of the reason I mentioned before, what breaks up most marriages, and that is the grass is greener. And so, what I’ve realized is the grass on the other side of the fence is brown. It is not greener, and, not to be trite, but you want to water your own grass. And so, I think it’s made my marriage stronger. I mean, I’m lucky I married a wonderful woman. I mean, it’s been a great life with her, but I do think it’s made for a better marriage. It gives me perspective. It made me realize that happiness is not something you find externally. You make your own happiness and finding a 30-year-old hottie isn’t going to make me happy.

Scott Friedman:

Practicing family law and impacting my marriage and personal relationships is interesting. I mean, from a marriage perspective you work a lot and you come home and your brain’s still functioning and your brain’s still going over your day and what you need to do tomorrow. And so, I think it’s a challenge to set that aside and give your spouse, your children, your undivided attention. So, I think that’s an effect that as I’m getting older and I think, look, 25 years ago, we didn’t have email beeping at us every moment, text messages and your Apple watch and all this stuff.

So, I think that basically it’s affected it that way in terms of probably figuring out how to be a better spouse and a better parent. At the same time, I think because I see what some people go through in their marriages that are awful, I appreciate what I have, appreciate my relationship, I appreciate my children’s relationship with me. And so, I think there’s a level of appreciation to say, “Oh my God, I’m not as messed up as that person is because I’m hearing these horrible stories about what life is like in their home”. So, I think it goes both ways.

Joe Booth:

Practicing family law has many impacts on your personal relationships and marriage. It is easy to take this nascent level of conflict and the demise of relationships on with you as you head out, out the door and head home. And you always have to watch that. But I also sincerely believe that I’m a far better father and husband because I’ve spent so much time working on how people have made some of these mistakes and that I’m learning much more to be accepting of criticism. And to not argue that point, to not believe that arguments need to be resolved and to be able to be wiser in the ways of emotional conflict and understand when you see people who have bitterly destroyed themselves and their families over conflict issues, you can understand that there are some acts you certainly don’t want to pick up and carry in your own life.

Melissa Avery:

With my marriage, definitely, I think that I just see the things that other people deal with in marriages that are truly bad. And it makes me understand that the small annoyances that we all have with the person that we spend so much time with are really not that big of a deal, and it helps me appreciate my husband, who is very supportive of me personally and my career and is a great father. And I can deal with the fact that maybe the dishes don’t always get put in the dishwasher immediately. So, I think it just helps with perspective. And honestly, I think it helps him with perspective as well, because he sees and hears about some of the situations that I deal with. And then we always say that if we ever did feel like we needed to end our relationship, that we would lock ourselves in a room until we agreed on everything, not come out until we’d reached an agreement.

Miles Mason, Sr.:

Practicing family law has greatly impacted my marriage and other relationships. I would love to think it’s mostly positive, but that’s not always the case. I describe practicing family law in many other areas of law as well as living in “life concentrate.” I deal with problems all day, every day, or people wouldn’t hire me.  It’s my job to help them navigate between the Scylla and Charybdis. There are some problems we can’t solve, but we may try, and there are other problems we can only manage.

But when it comes to relationships, it’s easy to misjudge your own communication. We seem to believe, and I think most lawyers would agree with this, especially family lawyers, we assume our spouses can read us and know what’s going on and read our minds, which is bad for marital success and bliss. The other thing is we tend to overstate our own skills to impact our spouses.

There are just times when a spouse is depressed and there’s two categories, according to Doctor Phil, of depression. One is when you’re depressed because of an illness, a family member being ill, a death in the family, or some other difficulty that’s depressing. And then there’s depression. When there’s nothing in particular that’s wrong, you just feel depressed often, and that’s not good and that’s when you receive mental help. And you can seek mental help on the others as well. But as a spouse, reacting to your spouse’s difficulties with mental health, physical health, and other things, sometimes as family lawyers, because we’re in the business of making stuff happen, we overestimate our ability to impact our spouse’s lives. And that can be equally as dangerous as not trying to be a good spouse.

And we can be just as petty and bitter and regretful and angry as an expert, no question. Just like doctors don’t make good patients, lawyers don’t always make good spouses, especially family lawyers. So, it’s helpful to understand the impact of practicing family law. And the best way I’ve learned that is really just talking to other family lawyers, getting their advice, and asking them this exact question, because as a young lawyer, I wasn’t aware of the impact of family law on my own relationship. Physician heal thyself. But at the same time as an older family lawyer, I think it has tremendously increased my capacity to be grateful for my relationship that I do have after 31 years of marriage. Gratefulness is one of the best and highest gifts anybody can receive from others, by example or by explanation and internally to have that feeling. And gratefulness is what came after maybe two decades of struggling and building a practice and building a life and family as a family law attorney.

Thank you for contributing your experience and expertise to our “Top Family Lawyers Answer Divorce Questions” video series.  You are the best. Cheers!

Randy Kessler
Atlanta, Georgia
Kessler & Solomiany, LLC
ABA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Melissa Avery
Indianapolis, Indiana
Broyles Kight & Ricafort, P.C., Of Counsel
ABA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Joseph W. Booth
Lenexa, Kansas
Law Offices of Joseph W. Booth
ABA Family Law Section, Co-Chair of Publications Board

Scott N. Friedman
Columbus, Ohio
Friedman & Mirman Co., L.P.A.
ABA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Stephen N. Peskind
St. Charles, Illinois
Peskind Law Firm, PC
ABA Family Law Section, Author

Barry L. Gold
Chattanooga, Tennessee
McWilliams, Gold & Larramore
TBA Family Law Section, Past Chair

Miles Mason, Sr.
Memphis, Tennessee
Miles Mason Family Law Group, PLC
ABA Family Law Section, Author