Preparing to Divorce a Narcissist and Financial Abuser

Miles Mason, Sr. guests on the new podcast by Amy Helms, Hope After Narcissistic Abuse, Jan. 11, 2023.  Mason’s podcast episode link: Financial Abuse During Divorce. Podcast platforms include Apple, Spotify, Google, and others.

Amy Helms:

So, about the other steps or things to consider when divorcing a narcissist, using the term vaguely. What are other things to consider?

Miles Mason:

Okay, so one of my biggest tips is to be smart on where you put your emotional energy, and one of the biggest wastes of emotional energy is trying to figure out is, is this difficult aspect of my divorce the fault of my spouse or my spouse’s lawyer? Who’s driving this bus?

Well, A, and I never really thought about this until I started talking and speaking with other lawyers about divorcing narcissists, but narcissists tend to find and hire and engage narcissistic and abusive lawyers.

Now, all of that is somewhat predictable and the tactics being used by a narcissistic lawyer are predictable, but it really doesn’t matter who’s driving the bus because the bus is still moving down the road and we’re never going to know, okay? Because I’ll take a client through a decision-making process early on and I’ll say, “We should turn left because of A, B, and C, but we need to consider D, E, and F.” And they’ll go back and forth during the conversation three, four times. And so, as the lawyer, I do have some influence over the decision-making process and some lawyers will go out of their way to try to control the client and try to get them to turn left or right for any number of reasons, which may or may not be good reasons.

So, we’ll never know how a particular decision was made. And many times, decisions are made. The other side might make the right decision, but for the wrong reason. Or the wrong decision for a good reason, strategically.

And so, there’s a lot of different ways we can look at it, but we’re never going to understand. And so, in my humble opinion on that, I tell them, “Let’s not worry about that.” I mean, we could sit here for an hour talking about it, but it’s not going to change their decision.

Now what also makes it interesting is that just because the narcissist turns left early in the process, doesn’t mean they won’t ever turn right. Because one of the things they’re going to try to do is when I call, pressing buttons, they’re going to try different buttons at different times to see what reaction they get from the spouse because they’ve known which button to push 15, 20 years, because they’ve got that much data and including the dating process. So, it may be a really long time where one person has known where to push those buttons, and after separation, it’s a matter of trial and error.

I’ll tell them and predict this well in advance. We know he is going to, he or she is going to, use the kids. They’re going to be victims in this and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. We could maybe try to get them into counseling. There are certain boundaries that the other spouses can’t cross. So, we know the kids are going to be used as weapons, but there’s going to be other subtle things, like Spot. And the more unlikely, unseemly toxic, the more likely that’s going to be used. All right?

So, we plan for what’s going to come up. We discuss the fact that they’re going to use certain tactics that are predictable. And so, we’re not going to be able to identify them all but let me give you a couple of examples. And when it happens, you’ll know. You’ll run into it. Especially when we get to settlement negotiations. We know what’s in the estate, we know what we’re asking the other spouse to agree to, and we engineer our approach to match and anticipate their moves on the chess board. And there are a number of examples.

So, your original questions, what does the narcissist do in the divorce, and what do we do? Well, we try to plan for it in advance as best we can and inoculate our own client, as best we can. And the best weapon we have, the best shield, is the emotional support team. Okay?

Get your friend or family member to come in. Let’s talk about what’s been done, what our response needs to be, and to figure out a strategic move on the chess board that is going to let the narcissist know that the control mechanism isn’t going to work and that there’s a new sheriff in town. I like to be the sheriff because I’m also control freak. And I have a unique-

Amy Helms:

Which makes a good attorney.

Miles Mason:

Let’s hope so. Let’s hope so.

For more, see Miles Mason’s The Complete Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist, a seven part video series.

Learn more about Amy Helms, her therapy practice, and her podcast here.