Best Ted Talks on Divorce and Recovery
Best Ted Talks on Divorce and Recovery
Best Ted Talks on Divorce and Recovery: Amy Cuddy – Your body language shapes who you are.
We love TED Talks. TED – Technology, Entertainment, Design – is a global set of conferences run by the private non-profit Sapling Foundation under the slogan “Ideas Worth Spreading.” The presentations are smart, thought provoking, and inspiring. Here are ten (10) my favorite Ted Talks on the topics of divorce and divorce recovery.
One: Body Language in Settlement Negotiations and Mediation
Negotiating alimony, settling the division of marital property, mediating child custody, these proceedings are stressful for spouses. With an imbalance of power between the two, achieving a reasonably fair outcome becomes even more challenging. (Particularly when parties attempt a Marital Dissolution Agreement without benefit of legal counsel.) Verbal communication is strained while body language shouts from the rooftops. Could nonverbal communication be self-controlled in a way that enhances settlement negotiations?
Enter social psychologist Amy J.C. Cuddy, Ph.D., in a Ted Talk about how Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are. We are influenced and influence others with nonverbal communication. Body language is something we can learn to read and control in ourselves. According to Cuddy, “Our bodies change our minds… our minds change our behavior… and our behavior changes our outcomes.”
Two: Science of Spotting Lies and Liars
Lying is frequently a cooperative act, the soft white lies people tell to get along in all relationships. However, making someone an unwilling participant to a deception is unacceptable. Turns out, people are easily manipulated into believing a lie if they stand to gain something they want. This tendency applies in divorce, too.
In How To Spot a Liar, certified fraud examiner Pamela Meyer talks about verbal and nonverbal cues, facial micro-expressions, and detecting lies in real time. How can we know if the line pitched by the other party is true or false? “If you don’t want to be deceived, then you have to know what is it that you’re hungry for,” says Meyer.
Three: Happiness Is a Powerful Force
Is the little voice in your head insisting that if you don’t get what you want in the divorce, then you’ll never be happy? Turns out, some happiness is all in our heads.
Harvard psychology professor Dan Gilbert, Ph.D., talks about natural and synthetic happiness in The Surprising Science of Happiness. Gilbert describes how the prefrontal cortex of the brain lets us experience things in our minds (that little voice) before experimenting in the physical world. Yes, happiness occurs naturally when we get what we want, but happiness is also synthesized by the brain. And synthesized happiness is just as powerful and enduring.
Four: Why Children of Divorce Do What They Do
Divorce has a short-term impact on most children, but it could have long-term effects as well. As adults, children of divorced parents often struggle with relationships and are also more likely to divorce. Focused parents can make huge strides by helping their children cope with post-divorce lifestyle changes. After separation, for instance, children may have less contact time with each parent and experience a lesser standard of living. Many suffer low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and other problems. Parents who engage in ongoing verbal hostilities with each other only make matters worse for their children. What is a child’s physiological response to adult conflict?
Tamara D. Afifi, Ph.D., is professor of interpersonal health communication at UC Santa Barbara. Afifi talks about The Impact of Divorce on Children and how “some children actually fare a lot better if they’re removed from a really conflicted, turbulent environment. And other children fare really poorly. And other children aren’t affected at all.” Which group will your child fall into?
Five: Love Is What Children Need
Wanting to be loving, nurturing parents does not change with separation and divorce. Because both parents directly influence their child’s well-being, they have the ability to give their son or daughter a positive emotional heritage. This emotional legacy of love is passed to the child who builds a life on it and passes it to the next generation.
Architect, author, and transformative coach Herve G. Wery shares his family story in Love Your Children No Matter What. The Werys were determined to shield their child from the negative consequences of divorce. He wrote and illustrated a reassuring picture book for his four-year-old daughter so she would always know “her story, a love story.”
Six: Fathers Building Bonds with Their Children
Most child custody proceedings involve co-parenting. Moms and Dads desiring joint legal decision-making authority and shared parenting time are expected to cooperate in creating and implementing a parenting plan in their child’s best interest. But what if a father is awarded only limited parenting time? No matter what the outcome of divorce, it’s never too late to build a relationship with your children.
Navy veteran Dwight Stitt talks about his blended family and One Dad’s Mission To Rebuild Bonds Between Kids and Their Fathers. For Stitt, camping together and enjoying nature helped him build permanent bonds with his son after the divorce. The simplest way for children to make memories with their fathers is to spend time with them, to both be present in the moment. He organizes wilderness outings in Tennessee, a way for fathers to bond with their children while canoeing, fishing, hiking, sitting around the campfire and telling stories.
Seven: Sometimes It’s Best To Just Hang Out with Your Kids
Does any parent really understand the teenage mind? We were all there once, experiencing the drama and emotional chaos within. Divorce can strain relationships between parents and teenagers, but there’s more going on. Being a teenager is intense.
In Ticked-Off Teen Daughters & Stressed-out Moms, family therapist Colleen O’Grady offers strategies that encourage daily positive experiences between mothers and teenage daughters, ways to build bridges of connection. Teens are hard-wired for drama because of an “undeveloped prefrontal cortex and dominant limbic system.” Add societal pressures to be perfect and too many teens are stressed-out and lacking self-confidence. Girls and boys of all ages respond best when they feel unconditional love.
Eight: Healing After Divorce
Healing after divorce is a slow process taking conscious effort. There is life after divorce. The quality of that life will depend upon on how a person goes about the business of healing.
In Surviving Divorce, clinical psychologist David A. Sbarra, Ph.D., Department of Psychology, University of Arizona, offers insightful techniques to help men and women heal the wounds of divorce and embrace happy lives, especially when children are involved.
Nine: Multi-Level Challenges of Domestic Violence
The author saw this video and immediately bought her book. For our clients, this is the best way to communicate that victims are not alone in the decision-making, or lack thereof. This video may have saved hundreds of lives.
For someone who has not experienced domestic violence, it can be difficult to understand why victims just don’t pack-up their bags and move out. Leslie Morgan Steiner does a great job of explaining her own “crazy love” and Why Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Leave.
Ten: Just Let Go (of the Bad Stuff)
No one wins every battle. Not every love is healthy. Not every relationship has a fairytale ending. Divorce recovery is about taking the small steps, and big ones, necessary to begin letting go of the past and starting again in a positive direction. Author Jill Sherer Murray talks about her journey to end the wrong relationship and find the right one in The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go.
There are two very distinct processes at work in divorce. The first involves the legal proceedings required to dissolve a marriage. The second is the emotional process, which can confound efforts in the former as well as impede future success. For legal assistance, always consult a divorce attorney. For emotional support, talk to a trusted spiritual advisor or divorce counselor.
