Narcissist’s Divorce Playbook & Strategic Responses

How a narcissist responds to divorce? How Does A Narcissist Handle Divorce and React to It? Narcissist’s Divorce Playbook & Strategic Responses.

Miles Mason, Sr. guests on the new podcast by Amy Helms, Hope After Narcissistic Abuse, Jan. 11, 2023.  Mason’s podcast episode link: Financial Abuse During Divorce. Podcast platforms include Apple, Spotify, Google, and others.

Amy Helms:

There’s no logic when dealing with an abusive person or a narcissist. It doesn’t make sense because there is no logic.

Miles Mason:

In a weird way, it becomes a positive, a net positive for this reason. A lot of narcissists in divorce work from the same playbook.

Amy Helms:

They do. It’s like a bobblehead. They play their game, and so they’re predictable.

Miles Mason:

To some extent, they are. It depends. I was preparing mentally for this interview, and one of the things that I could tell you is not every … And again, to be clear, we’re not using a clinical definition here. We’re discussing what common everyday vernacular considers narcissistic behavior. So many narcissists aren’t that strategic in their thinking. They have a few core concepts that they’re working on. For example, “I want to look good to everybody in my office and in society.” But a lot of times they slip in front of their spouse and their kids. They get angry, they get impatient, that sort of thing. A true, true, true narcissist wouldn’t even lose their frame, if you will, in front of their spouse or their children. They’re going to maintain it for everyone. Well, that takes a tremendous amount of discipline and a tremendous amount of strategic positioning and thought. And if somebody’s that good, their spouse won’t even know it.

And then you’ve got the other identifying trait of, sure, they’ve been controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, all the usual narcissistic supply tools. But a lot of those same tools, traits, tactics, have helped that person be tremendously successful. Because one of the things that entrepreneurs and other businessmen are taught is how to eliminate that which does not matter from your mind. And if you’re incredibly disciplined, what other people think about you isn’t terribly important. But to a narcissist, it is. So, there’s a little bit of a conflict there when you’re dealing with narcissists.

And so, I caution myself from trying to say, “Oh, well he’s a narcissist. We’re going to do A, B, and C.” What makes it interesting is we’re not going to have a pre-programmed game plan. We’re going to wait and see what the narcissist does and then react, which drives some of our clients crazy. Well, what are we going to do? We’re going to be patient. We’re going to see what tactics are used and respond to them, and I’ll coach you through it. And I say, “Well, can you give me an example?” Okay. I’ll give you an example. If he or she decides to not give us documents we need, well, you and I are going to sit down, we’re going to craft a strategy, and we’re most likely going to end up going to the judge with this very specific punch list of documents we need. And the way you sell that to a judge is very simple.

If I get a draft of settlement, I need to know when I’m settling. And most judges say, “Well, Mason, you can have your documents.” And they look at the other lawyer and say, “How long is it going to take you to produce them?” “Well, we’ll get a court order.” Well, does a narcissist follow the court order? Maybe not. If not, then we’ve got to go get another one, and then another one, and then another one. And so, what happens is the narcissist is testing not their spouse, but their opposing counsel at that point. Can you be patient? Can you do what is necessary to get the job done? And that level of success is very interesting, because it’s possible to work depending on the lawyer and how busy they are and what kind of resources they have behind them, namely administrative and paralegal support. So that’s an example of how it plays out. But I can tell you from almost 30 years of dealing with narcissistic spouses that, while the tactics appear similar and are relatively finite and predictable, which ones are used in which order are almost always unique.

For more, see Miles Mason’s The Complete Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist, a seven part video series.

Learn more about Amy Helms, her therapy practice, and her podcast here.