What is the biggest mistake in a custody battle?

Mistakes parents should avoid in a custody battle include alienating the children against the other parent, unreasonably withholding visitation, sharing too much information about the custody or divorce case in front of the children, parentification, lying, cyber-bullying the other parent, and posting custody related opinions online.

In a custody dispute, seeking to alienate the children from the other parent is the worst mistake a parent can make.

The court’s primary concern when deciding custody is determining what is in the children’s best interests. Never will that include parental alienation.

BATTLING CUSTODY AND PARENTAL ALIENATION

By definition, a custody battle means the parties hold conflicting legal positions. Legal decision-making authority, parenting time, who the children will live with most of the time, or all the above may be contested. Doing anything to alienate the children from the other parent in this environment could destroy your case for custody.

Alienating actions can be deliberate or unintentional, indefensible or incremental. The alienation could be a single undeniable act. More often than not, though, alienation is death by 1,000 cuts.

How does parent alienation work?

This insidious child abuse fractures families and wreaks havoc with children’s lives. The perpetrator is the “aligned, favored, or alienating parent” while the adult victim is the “alienated, rejected, or target parent.” Simple examples include:

By withholding visitation.
By speaking negatively about or to the other parent in front of the children.
By sharing too much information about the custody case with the children.

There are plenty of Co-Parenting Do’s and Don’ts to be mindful of.

Experienced family lawyers have dealt with alienation in many of its forms, including parentification.

What does parentification do to a child?

Parentification is role reversal. Parentification causes a number of developmental problems including anxiety, low self-esteem, guilt, and depression. The child is pushed into being the mature person in the family. This role reversal – of putting the child in a position of friend or caregiver – is inappropriate whatever the child’s developmental level. Parentification impairs a child’s ability to form healthy relationships and set boundaries in youth and later as an adult.

A child may be responsible for preparing meals for the family, from doing the grocery shopping to cleaning up afterwards. A child may assume the role of comforting an emotionally distraught parent, of being that parent’s closest confidant and ally. The child may even refuse parenting time with the stable parent in order to be with the needy parent. Don’t parentify your children.

Can you lose custody if you lie in court?

Can you lose custody if you lie in court?

Yes. Making your custody case should not involve lying in court about the other parent. Assume the court will ferret out the lie. Your credibility with the judge could vanish in an instant, because liars lie. That same judge could be assigned to your case for a long time. Don’t lie. Don’t get the children to lie. Don’t get a witness to lie.

When Your Actions Belie Your Words

Why should the judge grant your request if you say one thing but do another? Co-parenting is not theoretical. Be actually involved in your children’s daily lives.

FOR EXAMPLE:

Don’t seek equal parenting time without creating a childcare plan for when you are at work.
Don’t request final decision-making authority over education without having attended parent-teacher conferences.
Don’t point the finger at the other parent for not being involved with the children when your own parenting is inconsistent.

Parental alienation can destroy a child’s long-term relationship with the alienating parent. Don’t ruin your case along with your relationship with the children.

When You Bully or Cyber-Bully the Other Parent

Disparaging and disrespecting the other parent are not in your children’s best interests. And being mean just makes you look angry, bitter, and ineffective.

Forcing your will by bullying your spouse effectively shows the judge who is causing the conflict. You’re helping prove it is the other parent who will “facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and both of the child’s parents, consistent with the best interest of the child.” Tennessee Code Annotated § 36-6-106.

How to destroy your custody case? Keep up the aggressive texting, intimidating voice messages, and vitriolic emails.

Attorneys routinely use social media evidence at trial. Be vigilant. What you post online can be used against you in a family law case. In all forums, be nice when speaking about the other parent.

When Your Co-Parenting Is Inflexible

Co-parenting in the best interests of the children requires cooperation. Therefore:

Be flexible with parenting schedules.
Follow the Golden Rule. (Not eye-for-eye and tooth-for-tooth.)
Do not withhold visitation to reign-in or punish the other parent.

Is the other party obstructing your parenting time? Talk to an attorney. Keep a parenting journal to document details, problems, and dates.

How can you prove a parental alienation campaign?

Is the other parent alienating you from your children? Proving you are the target of an alienation campaign is difficult, but not impossible. Experienced divorce attorneys often recommend hiring experts, such as psychologists, mental health professionals, and child custody evaluators. Family and friends who witnesses of the alienation, recorded conversations and text messages, and a parenting journal can also be important evidence. The court may also appoint a guardian ad litem to the case. The GAL represents the children’s interests. For more details, see our video series, How to Combat Parental Alienation, including How to Prove Parental Alienation in Court.

We know children do best when they have a loving relationship with both parents. This is true before and after separation or divorce. Don’t let a battle for custody cloud your emotions and your better judgment.

To learn more, visit How is child custody determined in Tennessee?