What not to say during a custody battle?

During a custody battle, parents should not lie, mislead, fabricate, or exaggerate.  Avoid criticizing the other parent and let the judge weigh the facts.  Don’t make threats or promises.  Avoid criticizing the child for wanting to spend time with the other parent.  Avoid discussing the custody battle on social media – it will be used against you.  Avoid spiteful, angry, or ugly texts and e-mail.  Avoid leaving argumentative voice mail messages.  Be careful to not bad-mouth the other parent in the presence of the child or use the child as a messenger.

What looks bad in custody court?

Avoid confrontation with the other parent, especially in front of the children.  The more suitable parent will look to de-escalate hostility, not inflame it.  Always keep a cool head.

We can divide what not to say during a custody battle into three areas:

1. What not to say in court.
2. What not to say online.
3. What not to say around the children.

Accustomed to speaking your mind? Understand that communicating a poorly conceived message can negatively impact your case.

The goal of these proceedings is to resolve custody in the best interest of the child. The goal is not to say things that add tension and drama to an already contentious custody dispute.

Be sincere in stating how you will act in your child’s best interests. Do not present yourself as having weak parenting skills. Pressing only the negatives about the other parent could backfire on you. With supervised visitation not outside the realm of possibility.

1. What not to say during a custody battle?

Keep emotions in check and maintain your composure. Be respectful to the judge. When testifying, tell the truth. Don’t lie, don’t mislead, don’t fabricate or exaggerate. Nothing destroys a party’s reputation faster than attempting to deceive the court.

Never criticize the court system. Do not tell the judge how unfairly you were treated in another proceeding. You will only succeed at communicating bitterness and immaturity.

FOR EXAMPLE: “That other judge made a stupid decision.” “The child custody evaluator you appointed was incompetent.” “Our mediator was so totally biased against me.”

This is the judge who will decide custody, enter orders, and may be assigned to your case for many years. Do not annoy the judge!

Experienced family lawyers know parties sometimes make statements in the courtroom they later regret. The damage may not be fixable.  Impugning the court system will not improve the likelihood of a favorable outcome either.

Avoid criticizing the other parent.

Criticizing the other parent can be seen as alienating the child and significantly damage your case.  Bitter personal attacks often backfire.  The judge may see this parent less likely to foster and encourage a relationship with the other parent.   Distressing “he said … she said” moments sometimes surface in a contested custody case. Always control yourself in the courtroom.

Simply state the facts and let the judge weigh the evidence. When testifying, say what happened, when it happened, and where it happened. Relay the facts without berating the other party. Emphasize your good parenting skills. No blame. No drama.

Your feelings may be hurt. But offering past behavioral indiscretions to prove “other parent bad” can make you appear petty and immature. Communicate your maturity and ability to co-parent successfully.

Avoid blaming your child for any parenting failures.

In a custody dispute, criticizing your child can portray you as parent unwilling to accept parental responsibility.  Instead, highlight your positive parenting practices and how you have supported your child’s well-being.

FOR EXAMPLE: Your 12-year-old expressed her wish to live with the other parent and his young, new girlfriend. Instead of criticizing your child’s choice, show integrity. Provide intelligent reasons for why it is in your child’s best interest that you be the primary residential parent.

2. What parents should not say online about custody disputes.

What parents should not say online about custody disputes.

Social media has been the downfall of many well-meaning parents in a custody dispute.  Most experienced family lawyers strongly recommend to parents in a custody battle to never post any comments online.  Whether true or not, any commentary for any reason could be used against that parent.  Even more important, avoid posting online anything derogatory, critical or negative about the other parent or the legal process.  Anything you post online may be used against you in your family law case by a crafty opposing family law attorney.

FOR EXAMPLE: Leaving the courthouse, a parent goes live with a TikTok video-rant about the case, the judge, the other party, opposing counsel, and his teenager’s testimony. Opposing counsel introduces the video as evidence of poor parenting skills.

Do not give the other party more ammunition. Do not exhibit behavior that communicates intemperateness. Do not publish your lack of discernment online.

Do not insult or slander the judge or anyone else involved in your custody case. This includes the attorneys, the other party, your children, and court-appointed professionals. Doing so could quickly destroy the judge’s otherwise good opinion of you. Will you regain it? Doubtful.

There will be times when you must communicate with the other parent. Remain dignified. Do not send spiteful texts. Do not leave argumentative voice messages or be aggressive, verbally abusive, or threatening in any way.

Is the other parent doing this to you? Do not take the bait by engaging at this level. Keep your attorney apprised of any statements coming from the other party that might harm your reputation, discredit you, or are contrary to what you believe actually happened. (“But it’s not true!”)

Lastly, a few co-parenting do’s and don’ts.

3. What not to say around the children in a custody dispute.

When in the presence of your children, avoid saying anything negative about the other parent.  It can be seen as emotionally manipulative and backfire in court.  Be positive.  Create a supportive environment for the child, prioritizing their well-being above the conflict with your ex-partner.  For many judges, they make custody decisions based on which party is most likely to facilitate and encourage a close, continuing relationship between the child and both parents.

There are plenty of things you should not say to, or within earshot of, your child. Including:

• Do not bad mouth the other parent.
• Do not discuss the custody case or child support.
• Do not use the child as a personal messenger between parents.
• Do not say things that alienate your child from the other parent.
• Do not make your child feel guilty about enjoying scheduled time with the other parent.

This is a battle for custody. So why you? Why not the other parent?

Be prepared to describe your parenting strengths and abilities. Convince the court with affirmative reasons for why you should have primary custody. Demonstrate your understanding of your children’s emotional, educational, and physical and mental health concerns.  Be detailed in your vision for your child’s future.  Advocate for your proposed parenting plan and how you intend to co-parent.  Explain how you intend to foster and encourage a meaningful relationship with the other parent.

To learn more, visit How is child custody determined in Tennessee?