Ex-Wife Envy, Second Wife Syndrome, and Adjusting to Step-Motherhood After His Tennessee Divorce

Is There Really a Second Wife Syndrome?

With the Tennessee divorce in the distant past, yet another battle could be looming in the Memphis household. Slowly, the horns of ex-wife envy begin to show until a full-blow case of second wife syndrome develops. But there are two sides to every coin, and at least two sides to every post-divorce family.

Is There Really a Second Wife Syndrome?

Maybe you know her, the second wife. She holds a special place with the children of divorced parents. One that is not always enviable. As much as she tries, the second wife may find herself on the losing end of every parenting decision, even when the child resides in her home. When she and the family pet are the only one’s seeing eye-to-eye on child-rearing, she may fall victim to second wife syndrome.

Divorce coach and blogger, Lee Brochstein, describes second wife syndrome as:

“Anger, jealousy, judgment, lack of cooperation and communication and oftentimes stepping in the middle of the parenting of the husband and ex-wife, making it very difficult to co-parent without mishap.” 

That’s certainly one side of the coin. But there is another side, one seen through the eyes of the second wife who is now dealing with the aspirations and exasperations of step-motherhood.

Claiming the role of step-mother is a tremendous responsibility. When the second wife has no children of her own to blend the family, it may be even more challenging to carry out those responsibilities. The balance of power in the household is likely to weigh heavily in favor of the ex-wife as the child’s mother. From that point of view, it is no surprise that a second wife may feel anger, frustration, and jealousy. Or attempt to step into the middle of her husband’s and his ex’s parenting.

Desperation to Win Step-Child’s Affection

There is another potential reaction to being the second wife. Call it the “desperation to win step-child’s affection syndrome.” This is, after all, another woman’s child and they share a very special bond. How does the second wife compete with this? By lavishing gifts on a step-daughter, by letting the boy control family time, by refraining from any kind of disciplinary action that might anger the girl. Dancing on tip-toe while bending over backwards.

Needless to say, competing with an ex-wife to win the step-child’s favor will not carry the day.

Help the Second Wife Be a Good Step-Mother

Child custody lawyers know that placing a minor child into a new living arrangement with a significant other, domestic partner, or second wife shortly after the divorce is something to be approached very cautiously.

Children need time to adjust to divorce and separation. Every child adapts differently to changed family circumstances depending upon age, siblings, home life before the divorce, and many other variables. Some really struggle with their parents’ break-up and often blame themselves, at least for a time, for everything that went wrong. “If I hadn’t gotten into trouble at school, Mommy and Daddy would not have argued,” and so on.

In child custody cases, parents are instructed to exercise prudence before introducing significant others into their child’s life. Too seldom is the hard-earned parenting plan communicated to the second wife, however. The very person who has been thrust into step-motherhood.

Unless she knows what is in the parenting plan – who has legal custody, physical custody, visitation, and precisely what that all means – the second wife is at a profound disadvantage. She’ll be unaware of the parental agreements and the court’s custody orders. She’s likely to be confused, probably hurt, and could easily fall into the trap of the second wife syndrome.

Are you the second wife and a step-mother? Leave a comment! We’d really like to learn your story. What worked and what didn’t? Did you have a blended family? Did you ever want to blame your husband’s ex-wife for child-rearing decisions beyond your control?

Tennessee Child Custody and Parenting Plans

The Miles Mason Family Law Group handles Tennessee divorce, child support, alimony, child custody, and parent relocation.  Download our free e-Book, Your First Steps: 7 Steps Planning Your Tennessee Divorce. A Memphis divorce lawyer from the Miles Mason Family Law Group can help.  To schedule your confidential consultation, call us today at (901) 683-1850.