Divorcing the Control Freak
- At March 31, 2014
- By Miles Mason
- In Divorce, Home, Marriage
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What happens in divorce with an OCPD person? What to Expect During Your Divorce from a Controlling Husband.
If you are living with a control freak, chances are you already know it. Your spouse’s “my way or the highway” attitude may be causing conflict in the marriage, but it doesn’t stop there. Attempting to cut loose from the control freak often elevates conflict in the Tennessee divorce.
Are you divorcing a control freak? What to Expect During Your Divorce from a Controlling Husband
Two Celebrity Examples of “My Spouse the Control Freak”
Here are two memorable celebrity divorces, useful reminders of how challenging a marriage can be for both parties when one spouse is a control freak.
Divorce #1: Kordell Stewart and Porsha Williams
Porsha Williams Stewart knows what it is like to divorce the control freak. The Real Housewives of Atlanta personality married Kordell Stewart on May 21, 2011. Stewart’s mother-in-law described him as someone who treated a wife as mere chattel – “my wife is my possession, under my ownership” (her words, not his). In a marriage today, it is probably safe to say that is not a good thing.
But it was Stewart who filed for divorce on March 22, 2013, in Fulton County, Georgia. Before the divorce was finalized, the spouses reopened communications, albeit temporarily. Stewart apparently gave Williams an ultimatum: “either you come home or you leave and fend for yourself” (her words, not his). She opted for the latter. The divorce decree was handed down on December 5, 2013.
Stepping back for just a moment, think about what drew Williams to Stewart in the first place. Kordell “Slash” Stewart is no ordinary guy. Now a sports radio co-host in Atlanta, the former NFL quarterback spent a decade playing for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Chicago Bears, and Baltimore Ravens. Rigorous training, discipline, brains, and talent took Slash to the top of his game. He was a pro-athlete, trained to think fast, fight, and win. Is there anything astonishing about William’s characterization of Stewart as controlling?
Divorce #2: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
In a man-on-the-street poll, could you even find someone in Memphis who is unfamiliar with the work of actor Tom Cruise? Power, wealth, success, fame, and the Church of Scientology should have raised several red flags for Katie Holmes. (Who may be forever remembered as the poster-wife for control freak husbands.) She was star-struck, in love, mistook the attentions showered upon her as displays of affection, and saw only what she wanted to see in Cruise.
This may be a foreign concept to those who view marriage as a partnership, but some people routinely dictate every aspect of a spouse’s public and private life. What clothing to wear. Who to socialize with. What hairstyle to use. Where to go and where not to go. What to eat. How much money to spend.
The list of restrictions are often extensive and can have disastrous consequences for the marriage. By many accounts, Holmes was suffocating under the control Cruise exerted over her life and, ultimately, that which he and the Church of Scientology were preparing to assert over daughter Suri.
What began as a fairytale marriage ended five years later when Holmes filed her New York divorce complaint on June 28, 2012, blind-siding Cruise with allegations of intimidation and potential child abduction. Married on November 18, 2006, the celebrity couple reached a divorce settlement on July 9, 2012.
Characteristics of a Control Freak
Although not a technical term, “control freak” is commonly used to describe certain personality types. One of which is the narcissist, or the person with a narcissistic personality disorder. (For an insightful article about divorcing the spouse with a narcissistic personality disorder – much of which is applicable to this discussion – read Divorcing the Narcissist.)
When consulting with a Tennessee divorce attorney, a party might describe his or her control freak of a spouse as controlling, manipulating, pressuring, giving ultimatums, dominating, dictating, obsessing, or a perfectionist with unobtainable “pie in the sky” standards.
In her article on How To Deal with a Control Freak, psychiatrist Judith Orloff, M.D., offers a short quiz to help determine whether a person might be stuck in an unbalanced relationship with a controlling individual. According to Dr. Orloff, one or two affirmative responses indicates you may indeed have a control freak for a spouse. But three or more affirmatives indicates the line has been crossed and your “emotional freedom” is probably being violated:
1. Does your spouse claim to know what is best for you?
2. Does your spouse always need to have things done his or her way?
3. Does your spouse’s domineering presence make you feel as though you are suffocating?
4. Does your spouse make you feel as though you are a prisoner to his or her “rigid sense of order”?
5. Does your spouse take all of the fun and spontaneity out of the marriage?
Although not from Dr. Orloff, we can add a few more questions to the list:
6. Does your spouse persist in critiquing everything you do?
7. Does your spouse limit your freedom of expression?
8. Does your spouse belittle your friends?
9. Does your spouse obstruct your ability to engage in outside interests and hobbies?
10. Does your spouse distrust you? Refusing to believe you when you try to communicate the truth?
If you answered “Yes” to two or more of the questions above, it could be that your spouse’s persistent conduct is more serious than mere annoyance. He or she may have a personality disorder that could make the divorce process more difficult.
What happens in divorce with an OCPD person?
Divorcing the Spouse with a Personality Disorder Is Seldom Easy
A spouse could be a control freak without the problem rising to the level of a mental disorder, narcissistic or otherwise. However, some spouses may have what is referred to as obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). (We are not talking about obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD.) In general, spouses who have OCPD believe their thoughts are the correct ones, making them seem inflexible to the people around them.
A spouse with OCPD, also known as anankastic personality disorder, is typically preoccupied with controlling their environment, becoming anxious when things are messy or uncontrolled. A spouse who shares that “environment” may need to be carefully managed to prevent disorder. The U.S. National Institutes of Health and U.K. National Health Service provide these OCPD symptoms:
● Preoccupied – excessive interest in lists, timetables, and rules;
● Perfectionist – rigid standards; so concerned with getting a task done perfectly that he or she has problems finishing it;
● Workaholic – overly devoted to work;
● Inflexible – maintains very rigid views about morality, ethics, and how a person should behave in daily life;
● Hoarding – does not want to throw things away, even when items have little monetary or sentimental value;
● Non-delegating – unwilling to delegate tasks to others; and
● Miserly – dislikes spending money and is not generous, preferring to save money for that rainy day.
By necessity, divorce involves a complete reordering of the spouses’ lives. Something a person with OCPD may feel compelled to resist at every opportunity, during the proceedings and thereafter.
Importantly, only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose a personality disorder. But understanding OCPD and how it may affect a spouse’s behavior can help you protect yourself from manipulation or harassment before, during, and after the divorce.
