Divorcing an Alcoholic Spouse

It should come as no surprise that alcoholism is one of the leading causes of divorce.  Studies show that while alcoholics are just as likely to marry as non-alcoholics, their divorce or separation rate is at least four times that of the general population.

Divorcing an Alcoholic Spouse. What are the four types observed in wives of alcoholics?

Being married to someone with a drinking problem can be an extremely painful experience, and spouses of alcoholics typically have many emotional, practical and legal issues with which to contend.  Ultimately, the decision whether or not to divorce your alcoholic spouse is up to you.  However, recognizing the problem and considering all your options will help you make the decision that is best for you and your family.

Is Your Spouse an Alcoholic?

Some individuals can enjoy an occasional drink without ever abusing alcohol or developing an addiction.  However, for others, alcohol can become more of a problem, with some alcohol users becoming addicted and/or abusing alcohol in ways which wreaks havoc on themselves and others.

What are the classic signs symptoms of alcoholism? What are the four types observed in wives of alcoholics? Four types of “wives of alcoholics” include “suffering Susan,” “controlling Catherine,” “wavering Winifred” and “punitive Polly,” where the difficult personality of the wife was an important contributor to her husbands alcoholism. Some alcoholics may experience cravings and an irresistible need to drink which practically consumes their every thought throughout the day.  Alcohol addicted individuals may be unable to control their driving compulsion to drink, which causes them to drink excessively.  The alcoholic’s body and brain become dependent upon the intoxicating effect of alcohol.  Therefore, without a drink, an alcohol addicted individual may experience withdrawal symptoms which may include anxiety, irritability, nausea, and tremors. In some severe cases, seizures may even result.  Also, as is the case with any addiction, many alcoholics build up a tolerance over time which requires them to drink more and more alcohol to achieve the same effect.

Some telltale signs that may indicate your spouse is an alcoholic may include:

• • drinking to relax, relieve stress, or fall asleep
  • drinking in order to socialize
  • hiding empty alcohol bottles
  • lying about alcohol consumption
  • inability to remember events that occurred while under the influence
  • anxiety over alcohol running out during a weekend or holiday
  • insomnia
  • weight loss
  • chronic depression
  • loss of employment
  • financial difficulties
  • frequent intoxicated appearance
  • inability to stop drinking

Some alcohol abusers may not have yet become addicted, but may still exhibit excessive drinking patterns.  There are some signs that could indicate alcohol abuse, such as difficulty meeting family, work or school responsibilities due to drinking.  Some alcohol abusers may engage in reckless behavior possibly resulting in legal problems, such as driving under the influence.  A continuing pattern of excessive drinking in spite of the negative effects of alcohol on work, health, and family life is another indicator that there is a problem.

The Effects of Alcoholism

Alcoholism is an addiction and disease.  Since alcohol becomes the alcoholic’s number one life priority, it is in the nature of alcoholics to lie, make excuses, blame others for their drinking, and continue to abuse alcohol regardless of the negative consequences.   Over time, a spouse’s alcoholism has a detrimental impact on the entire family.

When an alcoholic is married, the resulting practical, financial and legal problems will necessarily cause emotional distress to the entire family. Needless to say, too much marital distress continuing over time will most likely lead to at least one of the partners wanting to escape the marriage.

An individual under the influence of alcohol is practically impossible to communicate with. Since it is not possible to resolve any relationship problems without communication, when spouses are unable to communicate effectively, it’s only a matter of time before the circumstances become unbearable.

Alcoholics can also be highly irresponsible due to their pattern of compulsive drinking. An alcoholic person is usually uninterested in participating in everyday household chores and responsibilities. Life can become very difficult and overwhelming without any support from your spouse.

Additionally, alcohol plays a major role in domestic violence.  Studies show a 60 to 70 percent rate of alcohol abuse among batterers. Under the influence of alcohol, individuals are more likely to be verbally and physically violent toward their spouses. Obviously, violence should not be tolerated in any relationship.

It goes without saying that the impact of having an alcohol addicted parent creates psychological distress for children. Current research findings suggest that children living in an alcoholic home are at greater risk for developing a range of cognitive, emotional, and behavioral problems, in addition to being at risk for becoming alcoholic themselves.

Confronting the Problem

Can a spouse of an alcoholic not realize he or she is married to an alcoholic?  Yes.  Since alcohol abuse is a matter of degree, it is not always easy to identify when your spouse’s drinking has crossed the line into unhealthy levels.  Unfortunately, many signs and symptoms of alcoholism go unrecognized by family, friends, employers and even doctors, because many alcoholics learn to conceal the amount of alcohol that they are drinking.  Additionally, as the body physically adapts to the increasing amount of alcohol in the bloodstream, the alcoholic often builds up a tolerance level where, to others, they may not appear intoxicated.

To make matters worse, some spouses of alcoholics sometimes deny or minimize the problem, engaging in co-dependent enabling behaviors to compensate for the alcoholic’s dysfunction.   Taking responsibility for family obligations like finances is often a way for the spouse of an alcoholic to avoid the problem or hide the problem from others.  Not only does this type of behavior do nothing to solve the problem, but it typically makes the situation worse, only serving to increase the stress from the addiction, eventually causing marital problems leading to separation and/or divorce.

Yet, many people continue on in this type of situation in spite of their resentment about their spouse’s alcohol problem.  Financial dependency is often a strong motivation to stay in a dysfunctional marriage, especially for stay at home mothers who typically have been out of the work force for an extended period of time and often believe that they are not very “marketable.”  Conversely, since many alcoholics may be unable to hold down a job, their spouses often support the family and don’t leave for fear their alcoholic spouse can’t take care of him/herself.

While the home environment of an alcoholic is unhealthy and toxic for children, many individuals stay in the marriage because they are reluctant to disrupt their children’s lives by breaking up the family. Additionally, leaving the children alone in the custody of an alcoholic spouse is a risk many parents simply do not want to take.

A common fear of individuals trapped in unhappy marriages is that if they leave their spouse they will never find another mate and will end up alone. Some people prefer the familiar even if it’s miserable rather than face the unknown, and if an individual had an alcoholic parent, the chaotic home environment created by an alcoholic feels familiar.  Consequently, a person may not realize that there is a problem since they are used to putting up with an alcoholic’s bad behavior.

Co-dependency is also a common motivation for remaining in a destructive relationship.  Some people confuse love with being needed.  For these individuals, their sense of value may be based on how they help or contribute to their spouse, rather than feeling loved for who they are.

Some individuals have such strong moral and religious beliefs about remaining married no matter what, that they stay with their alcoholic spouse simply out of a sense of marital obligation/duty.

While you may or may not relate to all of these motivations for standing by your alcoholic spouse, it’s a good idea to be clear about the validity of your reasons for staying in or leaving your marriage.

What Can You Do?

Continuing to live with an alcoholic spouse can be extremely stressful, and since there are likely both pros and cons to ending the marriage, you need to give yourself time to reflect on the situation.   

Don’t forget that alcoholism is a disease for which there are treatments.  If your spouse is receptive to getting help, alcohol meetings, therapists, support groups or inpatient alcohol treatment facilities can be methods of recovery and support for someone with an alcohol problem.  Alcoholics cannot treat their own drinking problem, but recovery is always possible for individuals who acknowledge their addiction and are willing to seek help for it.

But your spouse is not the only one who needs help. Having a relationship with an alcoholic can be so emotionally damaging and draining that you will likely need a support system to get you through it.  You may want to seek out a therapist or consider attending a local Al-Anon meeting in order to get support and guidance from others with alcoholic family members who know exactly what you are going through.

You also need to accept that there is no guarantee that your alcoholic spouse will want to stop drinking or be capable of overcoming alcohol addiction even if he/she wanted to.  If this is the case, at some point you need to take action to protect and help yourself.  If you do decide to leave your alcoholic spouse, you need to prepare yourself physically, mentally and emotionally for a safe exit and have a support system in place to help you through the divorce process.

The decision to leave your alcoholic spouse is one which you should take very seriously.  Do not threaten to leave your alcoholic spouse simply as a manipulation tactic to get your spouse to change.   If you threaten to leave but don’t, you are reinforcing the fact that you are willing to tolerate your spouse’s drinking, making it unlikely that the he/she will ever have the motivation to get help. Once you make your decision to leave, you must also be willing to stick to it.

If You Decide to Divorce

If you have made the decision to divorce your alcoholic spouse, you need to contact an experienced Tennessee family law attorney to discuss your legal rights and decide on the best course of action to take.  There are some things you may wish to consider before you begin the legal process of divorce.

Since alcoholism may be considered inappropriate marital conduct which qualifies as grounds for divorce under Tennessee law, the court will need supporting evidence when you make this allegation against your spouse.   This could be in the form of photos showing the effects of physical violence, police reports, emergency room records, DUI arrests, witnesses to consistent drunken behavior, and proof of regular, frequent, and voluminous purchases of alcohol such as may be found in bank statements, canceled checks, and credit card purchases.

While your marriage to an alcoholic may have been a long and hard road, once you have made the decision to leave, you need to focus on your recovery so you can move on to a much healthier and happier future.

For more information about divorce planning, download our free e-Book, Your First Steps: 7 Steps Planning Your Tennessee Divorce or, purchase The Tennessee Divorce Client’s Handbook: What Every Divorcing Spouse Needs to Know, available on Amazon and Kindle.  Memphis divorce attorney, Miles Mason, Sr., practices family law exclusively and is founder of the Miles Mason Family Law Group, PLC.  To schedule your confidential consultation, call us today at (901) 683-1850.