Finding a Divorce Lawyer Who Can Handle Opposing a Narcissist
- At July 30, 2018
- By Miles Mason
- In Divorce
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Hiring the right attorney to deal with a narcissist is key. Finding divorce lawyers specializing in and familiar with narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder.
Extrication from the clutches of a narcissist means finding a divorce lawyer who can handle opposing that personality type in court. This advice goes beyond mere suggestion. Hiring the right attorney to deal with narcissistic types is paramount under these circumstances. To an extreme narcissist, one’s very existence and reason for being are on the line in what must be a battle for divorce. This is no exaggeration.
Divorce lawyers familiar with narcissism know narcissists never give in.
Most of us will cross paths with individuals exhibiting some narcissistic tendencies, such as over-inflated opinions of entitlement and self-worth. Although these traits might make the person annoying, the American Psychiatric Association offers additional criteria for the untoward behavior to rise to the level of a mental disorder.
Acknowledging minor personality flaws to get along with an otherwise normal individual is nothing at all like divorcing a spouse with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Day-to-day married life with a narcissist is often difficult, but divorcing one? Well, that can be profoundly challenging and costly – emotionally and financially. Mental health therapists often suggest counseling to help ameliorate the unique stresses associated with divorcing the narcissist. Consider it.
What Makes Divorcing the Narcissist So Challenging?
Aspects of divorce proceedings that naturally motivate most parties to negotiate earnestly toward settlement are completely lost on the narcissist-spouse. Believing in his or her superiority while claiming the role of victim (even when they are the domestically abusive one), a narcissist may experience a “thrilling surge of power and control” in dragging the other party through endless, exhausting court proceedings. Psychology Today, 13 Essential Tips If You Are Divorcing a Narcissist. Divorce brings out the worst in the narcissist (or in his or her eyes, the best).
Divorce Lawyers Specializing in Narcissism
Because narcissists have difficulty maintaining relationships, separation and divorce are not rarities for them. Understanding negative behaviors associated with NPD is difficult for most rational people to fully grasp as so much of it is self-destructive. Know who you are dealing with and be sure to read about Divorcing the Narcissist.
The demands characteristic of divorcing a narcissist require an attorney trained for the challenge. Family law attorney Melissa J. Avery in Indianapolis, Indiana, makes this recommendation: “Look for an attorney who has experience working with mental health professionals and who understands various personality disorders and how they affect a party’s behavior during litigation.” Choose a litigator with ample experience representing clients against opposing parties who land somewhere on the NPD spectrum. Prepare for court with spear-and-shield and a strategy to thwart every errant legal maneuver. As discussed below, assume every issue will be contested.
What makes divorcing the narcissist so challenging? Simply put, rarely will the narcissist give in or give up on issues raised in the divorce. Instead, he or she will fight even small and minor points to the death.
Divorce Lawyers Familiar with Narcissism
What Makes Divorcing the Narcissist so Challenging? Aspects of divorce proceedings that naturally motivate most parties to negotiate earnestly toward settlement are completely lost on the narcissist-spouse.
“[N]ever give in, never give in, never, never, never, never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in…” Although this Winston Churchill’s 1941 speech was to a loyal English audience during WWII, his words aptly describe the mentality of a narcissist-spouse in divorce.
That singular mindset is the main reason why it is essential to hire a shrewd divorce attorney who can predict and counter negative tactics certain to come from the opposing party. Narcissists see every issue as a fight to the finish. In order to wear down and keep the other party off-balance, the narcissist-spouse asserts power and control, in large part, by manipulating the court system. How so? By filing countless motions with little or no merit. By wasting time, failing to respond, providing incomplete information, and causing delays. By making false allegations, filing misleading documents, lying, or worse.
To the narcissist, winning is the only way to validate their self-worth and reason for living. His or her rationale for contesting everything in the divorce has little, if anything, to do with the children’s best interests, family support needs, or a more equitable property distribution. Each and every aspect of the case is an individual battle that must be fought. To win is validation. To win is everything.
What Is Wrong with Wanting to Win?
The notion of winning a divorce conflicts with most states’ public policy. Family law proceedings are intended to engender cooperation and settlement between parties, whenever and wherever possible, with their attorneys’ assistance. The narcissist’s mantra – never give in no matter how inconsequential the dispute – is antithetical to the process of settling disputes through mediation, negotiation, collaborative divorce, and other ADR methods.
Be ready for obstruction from the narcissist at every turn, along with refusal to mediate or negotiate in good faith (even on issues where spouses generally agree). The narcissist has to win, even if he “cuts off his nose to spite his face” in the process.
Strategies for Divorcing the Narcissist:
Strategies for Divorcing the Narcissist: Search for a divorce attorney who is current on the relevant literature regarding symptoms reflected on the narcissistic scale, along with clinical diagnosis of NPD by a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist.
How to Divorce a Narcissist and Win.
Search for a divorce attorney who is current on the relevant literature regarding symptoms reflected on the narcissistic scale, along with clinical diagnosis of NPD by a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder requires special handling and, depending upon the circumstances, sufficient knowledge to anticipate the legal maneuvering certain to come from the them – lawful or unlawful, sugar-coated or abusive. First, the divorce lawyer will need to understand what motivates the narcissist-spouse. Thereafter, the attorney must vigilantly out-maneuver the opposing party’s tactics while also protecting the client from post-divorce manipulation, especially if there are minor children.
Given the narcissistic spouse’s focus on winning at all costs, here are several divorce strategies:
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Be Proactive
Get a settlement drafted and prepared as soon as possible and give it to the other side to consider. Issuing a settlement proposal at the earliest opportunity can create the settlement framework from the initial offeror’s perspective. When dealing with a narcissist, taking and keeping the settlement initiative can have a number of benefits especially when the narcissist is trying to prevent progress towards trial. The narcissist is not likely to intentionally concede anything, so keep settlement expectations reasonable. Narcissism and settlement are conflicting concepts.
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Curtail Litigation
Choose your battles very carefully, because they will be difficult and hard fought. On conserving resources, attorney Melissa Avery offers this advice: “Don’t feel the need to defend every minor allegation made by your spouse. Save your attention and resources for the things that matter most to you.” Similarly, be conservative with money in anticipation of court proceedings – litigation is expensive. One goal of the narcissist is often to pressure the other spouse into giving up after exhausting all of their financial resources. Be ready for this strategy.
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Strong Offense and Defense
Sometimes just surviving means you must return fire and go to court to resolve a dispute. Family law attorney Mark A. Chinn of Jackson, Mississippi, offers this recommendation when dealing with the narcissist party:
“Be aware that the narcissist is grandiose and has no empathy for the plight of other people and cannot be dealt with from the standpoint of pursuing a fair and just result. He has to ‘win.’ Make sure that neither the lawyer nor the client are drawn into the personality traits of the narcissist and do not take personally the condescension or criticism he will levy, because he thinks he is superior. A strategy must be developed to bring the narcissist to trial or settlement without getting side-tracked by reactions to his personality. Be aware of the personality, but don’t respond to it.”
Although there are women with NPD, pathologically narcissistic individuals are more likely to be men. A New Way to Understand the Narcissistic Male, S.K. Whitbourne, PhD, Psychology Today.
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Stay Focused
Prepare emotionally for a long-distance run. Expect your emotions will get the best of you at times. Eat right. Exercise in moderation. Avoid alcohol and questionable behaviors. Say “No” to others except your children. Do not volunteer for projects which can distract your focus or run down your emotional batteries.
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Interview Several Divorce Lawyers Experienced With Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Attorneys who practice family law exclusively are much more likely to be prepared to handle the litigation challenges. Experience matters. Ask direct questions. Expect direct answers.
That experience can make all the difference. When hiring a divorce attorney, “select a lawyer who has the highest standing in the legal community,” notes attorney Mark Chinn, “these credentials will be obvious to the narcissist who thinks that he can only associate with the ‘Best.’”
Look for family lawyers who are active in local, state, and national family law bar organizations. At conferences, experienced family lawyers often present seminars on how to deal with difficult opposing counsel and parties. These topics usually include working with and opposing divorcing spouses with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
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Do Your Homework
Get your documents in order. Read everything you can about your state’s divorce laws. Make every effort never to be blindsided on the legal aspects of your divorce. Negotiating from a position of strength requires understanding your documents, information, and evidence. Because the narcissist’s pattern is to garner support by manipulating information and twisting facts, be sure to verify everything he or she provides. Keep good records, too.
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Discovery
The narcissist may have a real psychological need to be deposed in order to “officially” and “on the record” tell his or her story before settling. So let the narcissist tell his story. Let him talk, talk, and talk some more. Experienced family lawyers know how to take advantage of such opportunities and welcome them. Depositions are an expensive discovery tool, but they may be necessary for real progress to be made towards settlement.
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How to do Divorce Mediation with a Narcissist
Many divorcing spouses may be hesitant to mediate because of fears of wasting time and money. After all, when has talking and seeking compromise ever worked in the past? As a counterintuitive strategy, consider mediating early and often. Many experienced mediators who are also family lawyers have valuable experience working with and against narcissists. Some mediators go the extra mile to listen to every single thing the narcissist feels must be said out loud before any consideration of an agreement will be had. Maybe the mediator can break through to the narcissistic spouse. If mediation results in a settlement, the time and expense will almost always have been worth it. If mediation does not result in a settlement, the case may settle because of the mediation at some point.
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Build Your Emotional Support Team
Early in the process, contact your family members, friends, and other sources of emotional support. You will need to build your legal, financial, and emotional support team. Share your story. Ask for help. Keep them updated.
Mitigating the impact of the narcissist-spouse on court proceedings begins with hiring a divorce lawyer who fully appreciates the complexity of the situation, is proactive, and is a tough litigator. Do not make the mistake of believing that, with the divorce filed, everything will now be fine. The narcissist will make this a tough river to navigate. For an outcome that truly sets a better life-course after the divorce, build your legal, financial, and emotional team wisely – and with a purpose.
View our Seven part video series, The Complete Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist:
- Stages of Divorcing a Narcissist
- Divorce with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- How To Divorce a Narcissist and Win
- Financial Strategies for Divorcing a Narcissist
- How to Negotiate a Divorce Settlement with a Narcissist
- Divorcing a Narcissist with Child Custody Disputed
- Divorcing a Female Narcissist
More resources on Divorcing a Narcissist:
- Divorcing the Narcissist – Our original post describing the clinical definition and general introduction.
- Financial Abuse, Narcissists & Money: A Divorce Lawyer’s Perspective – Mason’s popular video sharing his experiences and thoughts.
- Divorcing a Narcissist: Six Family Lawyers’ Advice – Six nationally recognized family lawyers discuss their experiences and advice.
- Finding a Divorce Lawyer Who Can Handle Opposing a Narcissist – Mason’s thoughts on what divorcing spouses should look for.
