How to Tell Your Husband You Want a Divorce

How do you tell your husband that you want to divorce him? That is not an easy question for any Tennessee divorce attorney to answer, but this discussion will hopefully provide some food for thought.

How do you tell your husband you want a divorce?

Certainly, there is much to think about. Starting with why one spouse decides to divorce the other. The reasons why women divorce their husbands are plentiful (no offense to Tennessee men intended) and borne out by U.S. statistics. On the reasons for why women are more likely to file for divorce than men, the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture reported that:

“Indeed, across 25 data sets and over 125 years, wives are consistently more likely to file for divorce than husbands. These results are remarkably resistant to the time period of the data, which is surprising since economic opportunities for women have expanded dramatically –– giving women outside options –– and divorce laws have been altered, typically in their favor.” [Divorce in America: Who Wants Out and Why?]

“He’s living his life like he’s single, with no consideration for me or the kids.”

What explanations do wives provide for wanting out of their marriages? He isn’t just watching too much Memphis Grizzlies basketball, at least not directly. The reasons are more numerous and more serious. The Austin Institute noted the following accounts as those most commonly offered by women as the basis for why they filed for divorce:

1. Infidelity in the marriage (his, hers, or theirs);
2. His unresponsiveness to her needs;
3. Her frustration with trying to make the marriage work;
4. His immaturity;
5. His emotional abuse;
6. Conflict over spending patterns and financial priorities;
7. Alcohol and drug abuse.

That is not the entire list, by any means. Many women cite other motivating circumstances for seeking divorce –– marrying too young, wanting a different lifestyle than the current marriage offers, his use of pornography, and physical abuse.

Importantly, only some of the reasons why women seek divorce match the fault-based grounds for divorce in Tennessee law. Other bases would likely be offered in an irreconcilable differences divorce in Tennessee.

7 Ways to Talk About Your Tennessee Divorce

There are at least seven ways to tell your husband you want a divorce. First, you may have decided months ago that you wanted a divorce, but it could come as a complete surprise to your spouse. Try not to shock him unnecessarily; he will remember how you blindsided him when the time arrives for settlement negotiations.

Second, avoid telling him when he is about to leave for work in the morning, for instance, or as he heads out the door for a business trip. Consider breaking the news on a Friday evening when you both have the full weekend to talk about it (or when you both have a day off). Before negotiating any settlement terms, though, do consult with your lawyer.

Third, avoid breaking the news on the heels of a difficult event, death in the family, job termination, diagnosis of illness, or some other challenging situation. In other words, “Don’t kick a man while he’s down” if you can help it.

Fourth, deliver your divorce message calmly. Doing so can be very difficult, but try to maintain emotional self-control. Be direct. Be firm. Be calm. If you can stay level, then he is more likely to remain calm as well.

Fifth, if there is any possibility of domestic violence, then take precautions and get yourself in a safe situation. Your spouse will react. The question is “How will he react?” We talk more about this later.

Sixth, where you decide to tell him is just as important as when. Maybe a public place, but not too public. Visit a bistro, take a walk in the park, or go to a favorite venue where you can talk privately without feeling overly self-conscious about people overhearing the conversation. Depending upon your circumstances, a public place could be a smart location because he will probably keep his behavior in check (as will you).

Seventh, because you do not want to have this conversation in front of the children, take the kids to a friend’s or family member’s place. Or, in the alternative, have someone sit with the children while the two of you go out together.

Let the Reason for Divorce Guide You

The primary motivation for choosing to file for divorce is perhaps the best guide to how a wife should communicate that message to her husband. That is particularly so in cases where there is domestic violence, emotional abuse, mental illness, or dependence on alcohol or drugs in the marriage.

“We’re two ships passing in the night. He goes his way and I go mine.”

How to Tell an Abusive Spouse You Want a Divorce?

Is there domestic violence? In Tennessee, most victims of domestic violence are women. Domestic violence may be grounds for divorce as cruel and inhuman treatment or as inappropriate marital conduct. If there was an attempt by husband on his wife’s life – say, for example, he deliberately overturned her kayak in the Wolf River – then that may also be grounds for divorce (as well as a crime).

With domestic violence, we know from too many news stories that communicating the intent to divorce can lead to retaliation and more violence. “If I can’t have her, no one can.” Tragically, retaliation has resulted in many Memphis, Tennessee, deaths. Therefore, it is crucial that personal safety and the safety of the children be given top priority. Get safe, then talk to a divorce attorney. Get Safe Now!

Infidelity, Extramarital Affairs, Covert and Overt Sexual Relationships

In Tennessee, adultery is grounds for divorce. It may be that both spouses have engaged in extramarital sexual relationships, that only the husband has, or that only the wife has. She may seek divorce because she has discovered greater satisfaction with another companion outside the marriage (male or female). Whether covert or overt, voluntary sexual relations with someone other than one’s spouse is adultery.

On the one hand, when the husband is the “guilty” party for having allegedly engaged in a sexual relationship outside the marriage, the wife has grounds for divorce. Her legal position may be strengthened as to alimony and the equitable division of property if marital assets were dissipated. This, of course, presumes his adultery is sufficiently proved in court. The husband’s infidelity is something to discuss with a lawyer.

On the other hand, if the wife who filed for divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences is also “guilty” of having had an extramarital affair, then she should discuss all possible legal repercussions with her attorney. Her husband could answer her Complaint for Divorce alleging her adultery as grounds. In Tennessee, divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences requires mutual consent. If he wins his case, then the grounds are adultery with possible negative consequences for her alimony award and her share of the marital assets and debts.

How a wife goes about telling her husband she wants a divorce, when adultery is the reason, will depend very much upon who was the adulterer.

PLEASE Don’t Discuss Divorce in Front of the Children!

This may seem obvious, but do not break the news to your husband about wanting a divorce when the children are within earshot. Divorce talk is an adult conversation which should not be had in front of the kids. Some women may hope to have the moral support of their children, especially teenagers, as that difficult discussion unfolds. But doing so is almost always a bad idea.

Not only does that kind of news have a powerful emotional impact on the children, but the court will not appreciate either parent’s attempt to use the kids to bolster support for the parent’s case. Never use the children to garner emotional support for your side and, conversely, tell your attorney if your husband attempts to alienate the children from you.

Does Your Husband Have a Psychiatric Disorder or Mental Health Condition?

A spouse’s mental illness is not grounds for divorce per se. That is not to say, however, that mental illness or psychiatric disorder cannot contribute to circumstances that are indeed grounds for divorce in Tennessee law. By way of example only, it may be that the combat veteran’s post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has made the marriage unendurable for his wife, giving her reason to file for divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences.

Psychiatric disorders like PTSD can contribute to circumstances that are grounds for divorce in Tennessee law.

Mental illness, perhaps coupled with alcohol or drug dependency, could cause the husband to inflict indignities upon his wife to the extent that he has forced her to withdraw from him. Indignities to the wife’s person is grounds for divorce in Tennessee.

Mental health and behavior being so closely tied, a psychiatric disorder could cause the husband to abandon his wife or cause him to neglect her, also grounds for divorce. And it is no stretch of the imagination for a husband and wife to separate for long periods because of one spouse’s mental health issues. If they have no minor children, remain separated for two years or more, and maintain separate residences, then their separation for two years may be grounds for divorce. These are generalizations, of course. Always consult with an experienced Tennessee divorce attorney about your specific circumstances.

Whatever your personal situation, do not be cruel or punishing when delivering your divorce message. We touched on the importance of being reasonably sympathetic to a spouse’s mental instability, illness, or vulnerability in our previous article on How to Tell Your Wife You Want a Divorce. The same holds true here. Do take extra precautions to ensure everyone’s safety and wellness.

“He’s a stranger to me. I don’t know who he is anymore.”

Does Your Husband Abuse Drugs or Alcohol?

Telling your husband you want a divorce could send him into a drug- or alcohol-induced tailspin. If he’s already in a recovery program (AA or NA, for instance), then divorce might derail his progress. He may fall off the wagon entirely for a time. If he has rejected treatment, then there may be no alternative but to leave. Sadly, drug abuse and alcoholism often lead to domestic violence, too.

“He’s a completely different person when he’s been drinking.”

Why Tennessee Women File for Divorce

Times have changed over the past three decades. Wives are more willing than ever before to move-out and move-on when they are unhappily married. Women in general, especially those who are college-educated, have career opportunities today that simply were unavailable to them 30 years ago.

Women may feel more empowered and self-reliant, willing to take on life independently.

Another reason why women file for divorce may be shifting gender roles, with Dad staying home to care for the children and Mom working 9-to-5 at the office – she as the primary earner, not he. Women may feel more empowered and self-reliant, willing to take on life independently. Mature women in their fifties, sixties, and older may have worked their entire adult lives, have substantial assets and pensions, as well as Social Security income on their own work records.

Although the social stigma associated with divorce has not wholly disappeared from Tennessee society, the stigma of divorce has certainly diminished in the past 30 years. Divorce is no longer perceived to be proof of a woman’s failure in her role as wife and mother. Women (and men) are no longer ostracized as they once were for marriages gone wrong.

While women contemplate filing for divorce, Tennessee law has not made it any easier to dissolve a marriage. The legal grounds for divorce have changed little. In fact, it was 1977 when the Tennessee General Assembly approved the granting of divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences which, to this day, still requires mutual consent to terminate the marriage (meaning spouses must be in agreement on a no-fault divorce).

If irreconcilable differences is the legal reason for divorce, and you need cooperation, then do some planning before deciding how to tell your husband you want out. Choose the time, place, and manner carefully. There is no easy way to go about having that discussion, especially with children to consider and make custody arrangements for. But you should know your spouse well enough to gauge how best to broach the subject. That may be your best guide, along with advice from an experienced Tennessee divorce lawyer.