How to Tell Your Wife You Want a Divorce

Is there a right way to tell your wife you want a divorce? As you have most certainly discovered by now, Tennessee women and men are different. It’s true. It’s always been true. And when a marriage strikes out for the last time, it’s still true. While there may not be a right way to tell your spouse you want a divorce, there most certainly can be a wrong way.

There Is No Script, But Rehearse Anyway

There is no script for divorce, but rehearse anyway

Your marriage, your relationship with your wife, and your history as a couple are all unique. How to break such news will not fit neatly into some tried-and-true divorce script. Everyone takes this kind of upset differently.

Talk of divorce can evoke some very intense emotional responses. For some, it can be as profound as the death of a loved one. Telling your spouse you want a divorce can turn the person who was once your best friend into your worst enemy. Shock, denial, anger, fear, depression, sorrow, jealousy, anxiety, you name it, divorce can cause it. Try your best not to add fuel to the fire.

Despite best efforts at maintaining composure and civility, sometimes the words “I want a divorce” (or more colorful language) come out in an explosion of frustration. That is especially so if it has been a difficult marriage for a long time, perhaps for years. Then there it is, a blurted statement made in the heat of the moment with no hope of retraction.

An experienced Tennessee divorce attorney might offer this advice: Do not initiate this pivotal conversation without being fully prepared for likely repercussions. You cannot plan for everything, of course, but you can certainly plan for most possibilities. Once words of divorce leave your lips, the ball is set in motion. There will be consequences, immediate and delayed. You do not want to be in a position where you have to start back-pedaling before settlement negotiations even begin. Have a plan.

A Little Divorce Guidance from Tennessee Code Annotated

Understand that nothing in Tennessee Code Annotated directs how a husband should tell his wife he wants a divorce, or vice versa. However, our statutory scheme does offer some guidance, albeit indirectly. Equity, fairness, reasonableness, justness, these are some of the concepts a cursory look at Tennessee Code Annotated offers up. Consider the following:

• Property: With regard to the division of marital property in divorce, T.C.A. § 36-4-121(a)(1) provides that the court may “equitably divide, distribute or assign the marital property between the parties without regard to marital fault in proportions as the court deems just.”
• Reconciliation: So spouses have opportunity to work things out, the judge may suspend divorce proceedings “to permit the parties to attempt such reconciliation without prejudice to their respective rights.” T.C.A. § 36-4-126(a).
• Alimony: With regard to alimony, T.C.A. § 36-5-121(c)(2) provides that, first, “the contributions to the marriage as homemaker or parent are of equal dignity and importance as economic contributions to the marriage.” Second, when one spouse “suffers economic detriment for the benefit of the marriage… the economically disadvantaged spouse’s standard of living after the divorce should be reasonably comparable to the standard of living enjoyed during the marriage or to the post-divorce standard of living expected to be available to the other spouse, considering the relevant statutory factors and the equities between the parties.”
• Child Custody: With regard to both parents’ sharing child custody, “there is a presumption that joint custody is in the best interest of a minor child where the parents have agreed to joint custody…” T.C.A. § 36-6-101(a)(2)(A)(i).
• Mediation: And to encourage spouses to mediate their disputes and avoid litigation whenever possible, “All records, reports, and other documents developed for the mediation are confidential and privileged.”

The Tennessee general assembly chose these words, among others, to qualify the judge’s role and the parties’ duties, to describe how the needs of children must be addressed, to determine how alimony is awarded, and to describe how marital property should be divided. In every Tennessee divorce, emphasis is placed on fairness and equity, on giving spouses time to reconcile if they so choose, and doing what is in the child’s best interests. This is what divorce is all about in Tennessee. And it all begins with that initial communication with your wife – “I want a divorce.” Being spiteful, cruel, and bitter will not help your case or help your spouse adjust to the situation.

As You Plan for Your Divorce, Consider Everything

How to tell your wife you want a divorce?

Before getting ahead of yourself, consider all of the possibilities including the six issues discussed below. Will telling your wife you want a divorce come as a surprise to her? Is this something you have discussed numerous times already with both of you accepting it as inevitable, just a matter of time? Are you prepared to articulate why you want a divorce? Should you tell her face-to-face before you leave? Should you separate, then call her on the telephone? How best to do this most difficult thing?

Where, when, and how you go about telling your spouse you want out of the marriage permanently requires careful thought on your part. One spouse might react to the news with absolute silence and make a beeline for the nearest Memphis divorce attorney. Another spouse might request marriage counseling, to see if things can be made better. Yet another spouse might react in a very destructive way. Before you throw down the gauntlet, make sure you have considered the issues raised by divorce.

1. Marriage Counseling

Does your spouse appreciate the depth of the problems you are having with the marriage? Have you tried marriage counseling? Many couples reconcile, or at least try to reconcile, before and during divorce proceedings. Whether marital counseling is through your spiritual advisor, pastor, priest, or rabbi, or with a licensed mental health professional, do consider this as a way to help save your marriage.

Even couples who believe they are past reconciliation (because they are so far apart emotionally and may already be separated) often benefit from marriage counseling. A long-standing pattern of poor communication between the spouses can mean they have forgotten how to talk to each other. Marriage counseling can help participants learn to communicate in a meaningful and beneficial way. If divorce is inevitable, improved communication skills can help with negotiations and with mediation during the divorce process.

Need help finding a counselor? See our Marriage & Divorce Counselors & Therapists Directory | Memphis, Tennessee.

2. Mental Health

Divorce is a life-changing event that can be destabilizing – emotionally and economically – for the most stolid among us. Even more so if a spouse has a history of mental illness. Have you thought about her initial reaction, second reaction, and third reaction to the news? Does your spouse have any mental health issues? What about a history of drug or alcohol dependency? If your spouse has mental health concerns or is alcohol or drug dependent, then that is another reason why you should carefully plan how to tell her you want a divorce. Disregarding your spouse’s known vulnerabilities could upset your children’s relationship with their parent and cost you financially.

3. Domestic Violence

Could telling your wife you want a divorce result in domestic violence of any kind against you? Could your children’s safety be jeopardized? If communicating your desire for divorce may be met with threats or acts of physical violence against you or your children, then plan for safety first. Once you and your children are safe, talk to a lawyer about your options.

4. Staying or Leaving the Marital Home

How do you plan to leave the marriage? Do you want to stay in the marital home? Will your spouse want to stay or leave? When your plan includes leaving the marital home, make sure you have sufficient funds readily available to lease an apartment or townhome, for example, in the area where you want to be. For fathers with minor children, getting set-up in a new home usually takes more planning, more searching, and more money.

Consider renting for the interim, at least until you are certain of your legal obligations following the divorce. There is no reason to jump off a financial cliff. Get some cash reserves set aside. If you plan to leave, then you will need money for a new place. Even if you want to be a homeowner, leasing is an option until you the financial aspects of the divorce are settled – that is, the division of property, award of alimony, and payment of child support.

5. Child Custody and Parenting Time

Teenagers usually need a room of their own

After separation, with whom will your children reside most of the time? If you want the children to live with you, then the place you call home must accommodate their needs, too. A teenager, for example, usually needs a bedroom of his or her own. Renting a house with more rooms than are typically available with apartments may be the better choice, but only if the housing you can afford is in a safe area. Do your research.

Often, the parent who has the children most of the time will also be the spouse who remains in the marital home. Generally, this is less disruptive for children of divorce and is in their best interests. Remaining in the family home usually means the children will not have to change schools, adjust to a new community, worship at a different church, try out for new teams, and so on.

Think about your parenting rights and duties. In Tennessee, divorce with children means you and your spouse will have a parenting plan. Prepare for this. How involved do you hope to be in your children’s lives? Do you want joint legal decision-making authority? Do you desire substantial parenting time? Do you want to seek primary residential parent status?

Between the time you tell your spouse you want a divorce and the filing of the Complaint for Divorce, might she attempt to leave Memphis or relocate the children outside the jurisdiction without your consent?

How these matters are handled before, during, and after the divorce will impact your life and your children’s lives. Depending upon the circumstances, it may be beneficial to consult with a family lawyer before you tell your wife you want a divorce.

6. First to File for Tennessee Divorce

Lastly, there are several reasons why being the first to file for divorce in Tennessee may be advantageous. Take a few minutes to read about 5 Advantages of Filing First in My Tennessee Divorce.

Whenever the time is right. Whatever the words you choose. Before telling your spouse you want a divorce, have a plan that begins with legal advice from an experienced Tennessee divorce attorney.

To learn more, see Tennessee Divorce Laws.