What not to do during separation?
Don’t rush and make emotional decisions, turn down opportunities to spend time with your children, say bad things about your spouse, take on more debt, hide income and assets, get a new boyfriend or girlfriend, or say anything on social media about your situation. Below are more tips.
Are you planning to separate from your spouse? Are you living apart now and planning a divorce?
What is the first thing to do when separating?
What is the first thing to do when separating?
Pre-divorce planning can help avoid serious early mistakes – the early stages of your separation are critical. Most experienced family lawyers will tell you that many divorce cases are already damaged by decisions the client made well before speaking to an attorney. Decisions have consequences. Hope is not a strategy.
Here are 6 things you should NOT do before filing a divorce:
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Don’t move out of the house before talking to a lawyer.
Depending on your circumstances, you might not want to move out at all. Certainly not without negotiating who pays which bills and the parenting time with the children. All experienced family lawyers have represented mothers and fathers who moved out for emotional reasons. And who later came to regret it.
Your lawyer can help you navigate what should be done and in what order. This can make a big difference, not only in avoiding conflict, but also with initiating conflict as soon as a fire needs to be lit.
Is everything pointing toward your needing to move out? Talk to a family lawyer as soon as possible, before moving out of the marital home. Waiting for the “dust to settle” after you have already moved out can turn out to be a poor legal strategy.
Who should leave the home in a separation?
Who should leave the home in a separation?
Moving out could weaken your negotiating position, especially if you want to continue living there during the proceedings and after the divorce. Moving out can affect temporary alimony and child support, as well as payment of existing bills and parenting time. Whether to move out is a key aspect of pre-divorce planning.
To prepare your case, your attorney will need a detailed list of all the personal property you own and the value of each item. The task of inventorying everything, making copies, and taking pictures will be much easier if you still live at home.
How will you retrieve your personal items and the financial documents, tax returns, records, and files needed for your case? Once you have moved out, a court order may be needed for you to access and retrieve certain items from the marital home. By the time you reenter the premises, what you find there (or don’t find) may not be as expected.
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Don’t wait for your spouse to file for divorce first.
There are advantages to being the first to file for divorce. Waiting for your spouse to file first could be a strategic mistake.
The filing spouse, as plaintiff, has some control in timing the divorce and the venue where the case will be heard. In a divorce trial, the plaintiff-spouse leads.
The plaintiff’s complaint must allege grounds for divorce. There might be more than one applicable ground.
What if you file first and later reconcile with your spouse? You can have the divorce action dismissed by agreement. Check with your experienced family law attorney. Every state has different laws and procedures. Your particular strategy will likely depend on those differences.
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Don’t allow your emotions to control your actions.
Logic and reasoning, not emotions, should rule in divorce. Remove emotion as soon as you can.
How well are you handling all of this? Be honest with yourself. Staying focused on your attorney’s instructions can be difficult when your mind is spinning over what has happened, is happening, and will be happening.
Many family lawyers recommend marriage counseling. Although not a panacea for curing troubled marriages, counseling can help. Many spouses are more comfortable with entering the divorce process knowing they did everything possible to salvage the relationship.
You should listen to the opinions and advice of people you trust and respect, including pastors, priests, or rabbis.
Planning for your future as a single person is another process. Seeking professional guidance on a regular basis from counselors, financial advisors, and accountants can also be helpful.
To maintain a level of balance in your life, manage your stress level in positive ways, such as counseling, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, nutrition, hydration, prayer or meditation, or yoga. You get the idea. Do what is beneficial for your emotional and physical well-being. Don’t do the opposite.
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Don’t be a passive observer to your divorce.
You need to fully participate in your divorce. This is not a performance play or TV drama (although it may seem so at times). This isn’t a sport. You’re not rooting for a team. This is real life.
What actions should you take? Your first action should be to consult an experienced family lawyer. Pre-divorce planning is essential to your case. It is your future and the future of your children that will be decided in these court proceedings.
Can you date anyone during separation?
Can you date anyone during separation?
Lawyers recommend against dating while separated.
Should you sleep with your husband while separated?
Most experienced family law attorneys recommend against sleeping with your spouse while separated. Discuss with your attorney whether your state’s law has provisions that sleeping with a spouse may mean you have legally forgiven your spouse for certain indiscretions. If you are in serious marriage counseling, sleeping together could create emotional confusion in a time in which important financial decisions need to be made. A clear head can make a huge difference.
Are you afraid you will do something wrong and fear taking any action? Do you resist doing what your lawyer tells you to do because you don’t understand why you are being asked to do it? To learn more, watch “What can you NOT do during a divorce?”
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Don’t put off doing what your lawyer has told you to do.
Do your homework assigned by your lawyer. Do it on time. Delay, poor attention to detail, or disinterest will make your attorney’s job far more difficult.
If you are struggling or cannot find something, then communicate that to your legal team immediately. There may be a work around.
For example, failing to provide complete financial records on your business could mean the other party’s evidence may be the only proof of the value of your business.
Do you suspect there may be additional assets, but you cannot find records on them? Tell your lawyer. If there are hidden or concealed assets, then a forensic accountant may be needed.
Documents are the lifeblood of divorces. To learn more about what your attorney needs, read Grab the Documents: What Spouses Need to Copy for Divorce Lawyers.
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Don’t rest on your laurels.
FOR EXAMPLE: Not requiring your spouse to list assets under oath. In most states, property division is final upon settlement or trial.
An old saying is, “I know enough to be dangerous.”
Laws change, new cases are decided, judges interpret laws differently, facts and circumstances are unique. Even if this is your second divorce, acting on a superficial understanding of domestic relations law, and the court process for divorce, can get you into big trouble. You need to stay up to date about divorce and the issues pertaining to your circumstances.
This is a civil lawsuit. There could be a trial. You need to understand each of the proceedings and what they are designed to accomplish.
Read about:
- Child custody and child support;
- The different types of alimony a spouse may request;
- The division of assets and debts;
- Military retirement division;
- Pension division;
- Deferred compensation division.
Read, read, read! Write down questions for your family lawyer.
How can you protect yourself before divorce? Talk to a competent and experienced family lawyer about your specific circumstances. Take the first step and begin your pre-divorce planning.
