Older Ladies, Cheating, and Several Shades of Gray in TN Divorce

With our graying U.S. population, an increase in Tennessee divorce among Baby Boomers is not entirely surprising given the conception and birth rate following the close of WWII.

‘My Hair is Gray and I Like It That Way’

Donnalou Stevens’ recent YouTube music video – Older Ladies – may be humorously memorable, but it does strike a chord for many a silver-haired woman:

“If you don’t think I rock, then we ain’t gonna roll… If you can’t see what it is you have, then you ain’t havin’ me”

Stevens brings home the point, perhaps unintentionally, that there are several shades of gray in U.S. divorces. Ignored or dissatisfied wives in their 50s, 60s, and 70s are among them. Although a different video might be needed to portray the opposite sex, dissatisfied and graying (and balding) husbands are just as prevalent.

Are Divorce Rates on the Increase for Graying Tennesseans?

If the divorce statistics discussed below are an accurate portrayal, then divorce rates among those 50 and older, in Tennessee and elsewhere, will continue to increase over the next decade or more.

Older ladies, cheating, and several shades of gray in TN divorce

Not everyone follows divorce rates, but Tennessee family lawyers have a keen professional interest in tracking marriage and divorce trends. They do so, at least in part, to better serve the mature spouses they represent, as well as their younger clients who married older people (Spring-to-Fall or Summer-to-Winter marriages). In particular, divorce lawyers need to be quite knowledgeable about related areas of law affecting their clients, young and old alike. For example, gray divorces require immediate consideration of Social Security benefits for alimony calculations; with a marriage of long duration, the equitable property division of accumulated assets and business interests may be substantial and a focal point in divorce strategy; and the division of pensions and individual retirement arrangements is a component in almost every marital dissolution, to name only a few.

There is some very interesting data coming out regarding divorce for those age 50 (middle-aged) and over.

Recent Data on Tennessee Divorces Per 1,000 Population

Tennessee’s population was estimated at 6,495,978 in 2013, compared to our nation’s estimated population of 316,128,839. If we look more closely at Tennessee demographics, 2010 U.S. Census Bureau data shows the following population percentages by age bracket:

● 23.6% of Tennesseans were under age 18 (down from 24.6% in the 2000 U.S. Census);

● 9.6% were 18-24 (no change from the prior census);

● 26.4% were 25-44 (down from 30.2% in year 2000);

● 27.0% were 45-64 (up from 23.2% in year 2000);

● 13.4% were 65-and-older (up from 12.4% in year 2000).

What these percentages indicate is an increasingly older Tennessee population (the age 45-65 and 65-and-older brackets).

Divorce rates for Tennesseans have remained fairly steady. Take a look at the Tennessee Dept. of Health’s General Health Data: Marriage and Divorce Statistics (statistics are also broken down by county):

● 2012:  Tennessee’s marriage rate in 2012 was 8.8 per 1,000 population (56,827);

the divorce rate was 4.3 per 1,000 (27,742).

● 2011:  The 2011 marriage rate was 9.0 per 1,000 (57,461);

the TN divorce rate was 4.3 per 1,000 (27,454).

● 2010:  The marriage rate in 2010 was 8.8 per 1,000 (55,743);

the divorce rate was 4.2 per 1,000 (26,749).

● 2009:  In 2009, Tennessee’s marriage rate was 9.1 per 1,000 (56,441);

the rate of divorce was 4.2 per 1,000 (25,879).

● 2008:  Lastly, in 2008 the marriage rate was 9.5 per 1,000 (58,464);

while the divorce rate for that year was 4.3 per 1,000 (26,531).*

*2013 TN marriage and divorce rates are not yet available on the state’s website.

Although these charts only provide general data for a five-year period, the rate of marriage in Tennessee has declined since 2008 and the rate of divorce has remained fairly steady. Is the rest of the country reflecting the same gray-divorce trend?

Increased Incidence of Gray Divorce

In 2010, 1 in 4 people who divorced were age 50 or older

Statistical research from two sociologists, Susan L. Brown, Ph.D. (co-director of the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio) and I-Fen Lin, Ph.D., has contributed substantially to our understanding of gray divorce trends in the U.S. As the authors note, “divorce has been studied extensively among younger adults,” but little research has been devoted to divorce among older adults. The so-called Baby Boomer generation (born between 1946 and 1964) is the “first cohort to divorce and remarry in large numbers during young adulthood.” This demographic group, then, is worthy of extensive research and trend analysis.

The authors’ 2013 working research paper – The Gray Divorce Revolution: Rising Divorce Among Middle-Aged and Older Adults, 1990-2010 – has some surprising stats about our rapidly maturing population. There are two age groups considered: those between 50-64 years old (middle-aged adults) and those 65-and-older (older adults). Here are a few national highlights from The Gray Divorce Revolution:

● In 2010, over 529,000 middle-aged adults and over 113,000 older adults were divorced;

● “Fewer than 1 in 10 persons who divorced in 1990 was over age 50”; yet about “1 in 4 persons who divorced in 2010 was age 50 or older”;

● Between 1990 and 2010, the divorce rate doubled for those 50 and older, a trend “at odds with the overall pattern of divorce for the U.S. population as a whole, which is characterized by stability and perhaps even a slight decline in the rate of divorce”;

● “The divorce rate is 2.5 times higher for those in remarriages versus first marriages and it is highest among those with the shortest marriage”;

● “The risk of divorce declines as marital duration increases”;

● “The proportions [of those] ever-divorced, currently divorced, and married at least twice are highest among individuals ages 50 and over”;

● The “prevalence of divorce has increased (and the prevalence of widowhood has declined) among older adults.”

Relevant demographic characteristics include race, ethnicity, education, employment, income, marriage biography, and marriage duration. Without going into great detail on why these statistics have come to be, as that is beyond the scope of this article, we do appreciate the significance of the authors’ conclusions. In particular, the divorce rate among those 50 and older is estimated to increase through the year 2030.

Considering the data, divorce may very well be on the rise among graying Tennessee spouses, and the divorce rate may continue to increase for more than a decade to come. As Brown and I-Fen Lin point out, those who have been divorced one or more times before are far more likely to divorce again. Which brings us to another question. If a younger spouse cheated in the first marriage, is he or she just as likely (or more likely) to cheat again in middle-age?

Old Enough To Know Better? Cheating Is Still Adultery

Middle-age does not necessarily equate with intellectual or emotional maturity. Nor does a marriage of long duration necessarily reflect marital bliss.

Old enough to know better? Cheating on one’s spouse is still adultery in Tennessee

(Remember Kevin Spacey as ‘Lester Burnham’ in the 1999 Academy Award winning mid-life crisis film American Beauty?)

By the time we reach our fifth decade on planet Earth, we should be old enough to know that cheating on one’s spouse can lead to divorce in Tennessee. Still, many spouses of more advanced age will seek the affections of another, or others, extramaritally speaking.

Is this a profound biological drive to procreate with someone younger? Is it part of a mid-life crisis, the frightening realization that one’s youth is spent and only rocking chairs and sweet tea lie ahead? Is it shear boredom with one’s mate of too many years to count? Is it a personal quest for better sex, more sex, or just plain different sex?

What People Say About Why They Divorced

Regardless of the reasons why older adults are motivated to cheat on their spouses, they do. AARP The Magazine sponsored a 2004 study of 1,147 men (581) and women (566) between the ages of 40 and 79. All of the middle-aged and older men and women had been divorced at least one time while in their 40’s or thereafter. The Divorce Experience: A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond offered the following reasons for marital dissolution at mid-life and beyond in this descending order of significance:

The most frequently given reason for divorce was abuse; followed by different lifestyles; then cheating; fell out of love; alcohol and drugs; control freak; money problems; not carrying weight; in love with another; abandonment; always away; step-children; sex problems; and, lastly, the in-laws as the least frequently given reason for divorce among those age 50 and older.

Cheating on one’s spouse with another consenting adult – the third most cited reason for divorce in the AARP study – is adultery. And adultery is one of the 15 grounds for divorce in Tennessee. T.C.A. § 36-4-101. (Consensual sex with a minor, however, may be felony statutory rape which is also grounds for divorce. T.C.A. § 39-13-506.) In addition to adultery, extramarital relationships are fertile ground for other allegations, too:

● Inappropriate marital conduct. For example, a sixty-something university professor spurns his wife by publicly showering affections upon his 21-year-old student.

● Refusal to move to Tennessee to rejoin one’s spouse is grounds for divorce if there is no justification for staying away and two years has passed. For example, a retired businessman moves to Memphis, but his wife stays behind in Little Rock, Arkansas. Two years pass, yet she refuses to join her husband because she’s having such a good time living the single life in Little Rock.

● Abandonment by a spouse without support. For example, a successful small business owner takes a lover and expels his wife from the marital home without financial support.

● Two years of separation (assuming the couple does not have minor children). While her retired husband remodels their Germantown home, an international fashion magazine editor remains overseas for two years, contentedly shacking-up with her European lover.

● Indignities to the person, such that the victimized spouse’s position in the marriage becomes intolerable, forcing withdrawal from the other spouse. Indignities are often tied to infliction of physical pain, but not always. In the presence of others, for example, husband called his wife a liar, accused her of adultery with his brother-in-law and with other men, accused her at the time of the birth of their child of adultery and named another as biological father of the child. Lyle v. Lyle, 6 S.W. 878, 86 Tenn. 372 (Tenn. 1888); cited in Burkhart v. Burkhart, 1999-02332-COA-R3-CV (Tenn.Ct.App. 2000).

In any Tennessee divorce action, a party may allege more than one ground for divorce. In the Brooks v. Brooks divorce, wife alleged the “grounds of adultery, irreconcilable differences, inappropriate marital conduct, and indignities” as legal basis for dissolving the bonds of marriage. Brooks v. Brooks, No. E2001-00590-COA-R3-CV (Tenn.Ct.App. 2001). The same was true in the divorce case of Marshall v. Marshall, No. M2009-02463-COA-R3-CV (Tenn.Ct.App. 2010). Although many grounds for divorce may be alleged when one spouse is accused of being a cheater, not all grounds are assured to survive the court’s scrutiny.

Make no mistake, there is a financial cost to gray divorce. Starting with alimony and ending with the equitable division of property. If you or your spouse has taken a lover, or engaged in similarly disharmonic activities that may constitute grounds for divorce, you should take a moment to read:

How Much Can an Extramarital Affair Cost Under Tennessee Divorce Laws?

Doing a Life Review

For an interesting and uplifting presentation of aging from an insider’s point of view, watch TED’s Jane Fonda: Life’s Third Act. The well-known actress talks about “doing a life review” and how to embrace the upward staircase in the third act of our lives. She really should know. Lady Jane Seymour Fonda is now 76, born in 1937 in that short window between the Great Depression and WWII (which means she is not a Baby Boomer). Fonda was in her late forties when she divorced her first husband, Roger Vadim, in 1973. In her early fifties when she divorced her second husband, Tom Hayden, in 1990. And, lastly, Fonda was in her mid-sixties when she divorced Ted Turner in 2001.

In the gentle lyrics of humorist Donnalou Stevens where we began, “older ladies are divine…”